Page 60 of Always Be My Pumpkin

Ten minutes later we’re unpacking boxes in my old bedroom, and Sarah holds up my padded orange pumpkin costume with the big yellow grin stretched across the middle. ‘Are you going to wear this to the session on Friday night?’

‘Nope.’ I smile brightly. ‘I don’t feel like wearing it this year.’

I’ll do my best to keep my spirits up for the week ahead so I can keep things on track for the festival. But everything will be well underway by Friday night, and I don’t think that giant grin will suit the Twilight watch party vibe, and I know it won’t match my mood. I take a deep breath and think about how to explain.

‘I’m not sure I’ll make it to the Corner Bar for the session,’ I say, keeping my tone casual. ‘I want to give Ella a hand with the movie night.’

‘Seriously?’ Sarah squints at me. ‘But everybody will be at the Corner Bar.’

She flops down on the chair by my old dressing table and fiddles with my make-up brushes, and I get a flash of us dressing for our first Halloween Ball. Sarah as Katniss Everdeen, and me as Bella Swan, complete with wavy brown wig. Scott went as Peeta, but when Jamie asked me what I was planning, all I told him was vampires, so he turned up as Lestat from Interview with the Vampire. I could have told him about Twilight, but I didn’t want him dressing as Edward – that role was already assigned in my head. Not that Flynn was ever the pale, brooding type, except maybe for that last week before he left. But the way I felt about him leaving was brooding enough for both of us. Bella coded, for sure.

Sarah watches me and, after a few moments’ silence, she twigs. ‘Oh,’ she says flatly. ‘Because Flynn will be there.’

I nod. ‘I posted my letter and I’ve told him I’ll be in Pat’s with Ella, in case he wants to call over and say goodbye. But if Natalie doesn’t want him to see me then I’m going to respect that and stay out of the way so he can say a proper goodbye to everyone.’

‘Everyone except you.’ She brandishes a foundation brush. ‘Honestly, Gracie, I don’t know which of you is worse.’ She clamps her lips tight. ‘No, actually, I do. You are. At least, Flynn was only sixteen when he gave up and went along with everything his parents wanted, even though he clearly didn’t want to leave Oakwood. Or you.’

‘He had no choice, Sarah.’ I frown at her.

‘Maybe not, but he could have come back.’

‘No, he couldn’t. Not unless he wanted to abandon his mother.’ I drop down on my bed and pluck at a loose thread on my patchwork quilt. ‘She was sick, Sarah. Really sick. She’s well now, but it took years. And Flynn was the one who took care of her, not his father. Flynn and Natalie. She helped him. She stood by him. He said he wouldn’t have gotten through it without her.’

‘Sorry, I didn’t know that.’ Sarah draws back. ‘That must have been hard for him.’

‘It was.’

She drags her knuckle across her lower lip, stares at me thoughtfully before she says, ‘But if Flynn had to go through all that, pretty much on his own, apart from Natalie, then surely that was all the more reason he needed his friends. Needs his friends still.’

‘You heard what Pat said. Natalie was worried we might be more than friends.’ I tug another thread, twist it around my fingers as guilt churns in my stomach. ‘Turns out she was right.’

Sarah shakes her head furiously. ‘No, she wasn’t. All you had going on back then was a few cards at Christmas.’ She wields her foundation brush. ‘So, you got together, finally.’ She rolls her eyes. ‘But that was only last week. Flynn and Natalie have been finished for two years. What happened in Hazel Cottage is none of her business.’

I curl my legs underneath me and release a slow breath. ‘I wish it was that simple, but it’s not. I still have feelings for him, way beyond friendship.’ I hug my cushion tight to my chest. ‘Our shag Flynn plan didn’t work. I didn’t get him out of my system, and I’m not sure I ever will.’

Sarah stands and walks over to sit down beside me, and says in a low, quiet voice, ‘And what about how Flynn feels? Doesn’t he get any say in all of this?’

I drop my head to my chest, and my voice comes out a shaky whisper. ‘I know how he feels, Sarah. I heard him say it out loud. He lost the woman he loved once and he’s not going to let that happen again.’

Sarah rubs my arm gently. ‘You lost the boy you loved too, Gracie.’

She stands and makes for the door. She’s supposed to meet Scott for lunch, and I know she’s running late. She turns in the doorway and peers down at me, eyes soft but focused.

‘Are you going to let that happen again?’

I don’t answer, because what choice do I have? Fight Natalie for him? Ask him to choose my friendship over winning back the woman he loves? And hey, maybe I’ll throw in a few benefits to help him get over the loss this time around.

Instead, I say, ‘You’d better go, Sarah, you’ll be late. I’ll call over later for my stuff.’

She sighs. ‘Okay, I’ll text when I’m home.’ She scratches at her forehead. ‘Just think about what I said, please.’

Her brows lift in a plea, and I nod. I will think about it. It’s pretty much all I have been thinking about since Flynn left, and I keep coming up with the same answer. I don’t want to lose him, but I care too much to hurt him, and if I have to choose between my happiness and his, I choose his.

28

It’s eleven on Monday morning when I get the call. I’m in the children’s area watching Ella demonstrate how to make fun, spooky spiders from pinecones and pipe cleaners, laughing with the little ones, when my ringtone trills across the room. I dash forward with a picture book clutched to my chest, but Gertrude beats me to it and leaps from behind the desk, holding out my phone with a mix of excitement and terror etched across her face.

I know how she feels. Gemma told me to expect a call mid-morning, and that looks like a council number flashing on my screen. ‘Thanks,’ I say, hitting accept and tearing up the stairs. I think my interview went well, but I know there’s stiff competition. I’d rather take this in private in case the news isn’t good.