Page 66 of Always Be My Pumpkin

My stomach sinks, my mind races. What can I say? No. I’m in love with you, but you can’t have it both ways. I can’t tell him that. That’s not going to help fix things with Natalie. That’s not going to help me let him go.

‘It was . . . fun.’ I try to sound carefree, but the words catch in my throat.

‘And you don’t even want me as a friend?’ He grips the doorframe for support. ‘Sorry, no, that’s not how you put it in your letter.’ He swallows. ‘You don’t need me as a friend. You don’t need me for anything.’

His face twists in pain, and the urge to fling myself forward hits like a tidal wave. I want to throw my arms around him, cry out that I didn’t mean a word of it, it was all a pack of lies, he’s everything I need.

But I can’t. I have to stay strong. Because I don’t think I’m the one he needs and I can’t let him lose that again. I promised myself I’d be tough enough for both of us. So, I hold myself still, hold everything in, and watch him turn and walk out the door.

‘What are you waiting for?’ Sarah cries. ‘Go after him. Now.’

‘I can’t.’

Can I? My mind reels in confusion. I have no idea what to say or do. What can I say that will make either of us feel better? But seeing Flynn hurting like that, knowing I caused it, makes me feel violently ill. I have to do something, find some way to explain.

‘You have to,’ Sarah says as if she’s reading my thoughts.

I nod sombrely and pull on my rain jacket as Sarah turns back to Scott.

‘I’m so proud of you.’ She presses a quick kiss to his lips. ‘But please, go and get Jamie’s stuff now. I know he’s your cousin, but I don’t want a single scrap of paper belonging to him in our house.’

She stares up at me, still rooted to the spot. ‘You too, Gracie. What are you waiting for? Go!’

31

‘Flynn,’ I call into the emptiness. The sky is pitch-black and starless, but the Corner Bar window behind me, and the twinkling festival lights, cast a hazy yellow glow through the softening rain. I pull up my hood and cross the deserted main road, straining to catch a glimpse of Flynn on the way down to Hazel Cottage. But all I see is darkness, along the road, and around the cottage. He hasn’t even switched on the single outside light.

‘Flynn,’ I call again, as I trudge the grassy verge, feeling my way. And again, there’s no answer and I wonder if I should leave him alone. Those words that he heard were so much harsher than anything I would have chosen to say to him. It was myself I was trying to convince. But I can’t take them back. He was right when he said that I need to toughen up.

And I have. I managed two years in London, and I learned I was far lonelier in a relationship that was wrong for me than I ever could be on my own. I wasn’t pretending when I told Scott and Sarah I’d be fine. I meant it. I will be.

I’m almost at Hazel Cottage and I stop to take a breath and try to decide. I picture Flynn’s face as he stood in the Corner Bar doorway, the hurt in his eyes, clear proof of how much he still cares. But if I follow him now, if I knock on his door, I’ll be asking him to choose again. Between his future with Natalie and his friendship with me. I dig my heel deep into the mucky grass, say a silent prayer to the universe for strength, and turn back towards the road and away from the cottage, and Flynn and me.

‘So that’s it, then?’ I hear his voice on the bitter night breeze. He sounds bone-tired and raw. ‘You don’t even care enough to talk any more?’

A dim light reaches into the darkness and I turn, walk the few steps to the gate, then I stop. Flynn’s arm is stretched out towards me, the torch on his phone lighting my way.

‘My phone died,’ I say, as if this explains anything.

He lowers his hand to his side until I can barely make out his face, the only light fading down to the gravel pathway between us. ‘Okay,’ he says, almost in a whisper. ‘I wondered if you were choosing silence as your answer. Again.’

I reel back. Again? What’s that supposed to mean?

‘That’s not fair,’ I cry out. But I sound like a petulant child, so I breathe deep, try to calm my racing pulse. ‘I wrote to you,’ I say, slow and steady now. ‘I’m here.’

‘Because I called you back.’ I hear the hurt in his voice. ‘But why is it always up to me, Gracie? Why do I always have to be the one who puts my heart on the line?’

That’s crazy. Flynn has never put his heart on the line. At least, not for me. And I’ve never asked him to. He reaches inside the half-open door and switches on the outside light. And I blink against the glare, then I straighten my shoulders and tip up my chin.

‘You don’t, Flynn. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. I’m letting you go.’

He sags against the doorframe. ‘So, our promise meant nothing.’ His mouth twists as he repeats what he said in the Corner Bar. ‘You just decide all of a sudden that you don’t need me any more, not even as your friend.’

I lean my hands on the low wooden gate and summon all my strength. ‘That was ten years ago, Flynn.’ I look up and face him again. ‘Best friends. Always. I should never have asked that of you. I don’t need you to keep that promise. It’s holding you back. It’s holding us both back.’

‘You don’t mean that, Gracie. You’re just scared.’ He takes a step forward and his face softens. ‘And you don’t need to be. I’m here, if you want me.’

I grip the top of the gate and shake my head firmly. ‘No, I’m not. I’m not scared. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. I don’t need you to stay. I don’t want to get in the way of you having a real relationship. I messed that up for you before and I won’t let that happen again.’