Page 64 of Spies Don’t Fall for Their Best Friend

I nod. “A very specific one I’d like to avoid.”

He leans back, considering me. Abraham always takes his time before answering a big question. It never feels like he’s searching for something wise to say. More like he has several possible answers and is choosing the one I most need to hear. Finally, he asks, “What are you afraid she’ll think?”

I look at the disguises lining the shelves. Different faces, different ages, different lives—all of them carefully designed to make someone believe a story that isn’t true. “That I’ve been lying to her.”

“You have been. And it will feel like a betrayal. But that’s what you’re afraid she’ll accuse you of. What are you afraid the truth will make her believe about herself?”

I run my hands over my face. “That she’ll feel stupid for not knowing. She’ll mentally go back through every conversation we’ve had about work. Every time I left suddenly. Every trip I took. Every story I gave her that wasn’t the whole truth, and she’ll wonder why she didn’t figure it out on her own.

“And I worry that her finding out will make her feel left out. Everyone in my family knows. A lot of people she spends time with know. Zoe knows. Mackenzie knows. Owen knows now. Her mom knows. Reese is the person I’m closest to, and she’s the one who has no idea.”

“Ahh.” Abraham nods slowly. “Yes. That will hurt her. And you won’t be able to convince her that it shouldn’t.”

“I don’t want her to feel like she should’ve figured it out, or that I left her out.”

“Of course not. But if you rush to tell her otherwise, she may hear that as you telling her she has no reason to feel the way she does.” He folds his arms on the table. “From Reese’s perspective, nearly everyone she loves has been on the inside of this big thing. She didn’t even know the big thing existed.”

I swallow hard. “She’s going to feel like everyone else was chosen for the team, and she wasn’t. That isn’t what happened. So how do I explain?”

“Not by immediately listing why everyone else was entitled to know. If you tell her Zoe knew because she’s CIA, Mackenzie knew because of Jace, Owen knew because of Charlie, and Annette knew because of me, all Reese will hear is that every person had a place in this world except her.”

I hadn’t thought of that.

“Tell her the truth,” Abraham continues. “That she wasn’t excluded because she was less trusted, less capable, or less important. She was excluded because the information was classified and you weren’t permitted to make that decision for yourself.”

“That sounds like I’m hiding behind policy.”

“It will if you stop there.” His gaze holds mine. “You also need to acknowledge that the policy doesn’t erase what the secrecy cost her. You’ve known the full shape of her life every day of your friendship. The full shape of yours has been behind a locked door. That imbalance is going to matter.”

I look down at my hands. “I hated it,” I say. “Every time I lied about where I was going or what I’d been doing, I hated it.”

“Tell her that. But don’t make her comfort you for how difficult it was to keep the truth from her. There’s a fine line between telling her the secrecy hurt you, too, and presenting your pain as evidence that she shouldn’t be angry.”

“So, she’ll be angry?”

“Probably.”

“What if she leaves?”

“Let her.”

My gaze snaps to his.

“I don’t mean let her leave your life,” Abraham says. “If she needs to walk out of the room, don’t try to stop her with more explanations. If she needs silence, don’t fill it because you’re uncomfortable. If she needs time, give it to her.”

I’m quiet for a moment, then ask the thing that’s really worrying me. “What if giving her time means she decides she doesn’t want anything to do with me?”

“Then attempting to control her reaction won’t prevent it.” Abraham pauses a moment, then asks, “Are you planning to tell her that you love her in the same conversation?”

My eyebrows rise because I never brought that up to Abraham. Maybe I don’t hide it as well as I thought I did. “I hadn’t ruled it out.”

“Rule it out. First let her decide what this changes about the relationship she already has. Don’t ask her to decide what comes next while the ground beneath that relationship is still moving.”

He makes a good point. I stand and pace two steps before turning back. “What if I mess up the wording?”

“You will.”

“Not reassuring.”