Page 70 of All Our Missing Pieces

Which was basically what I’d guessed, in those few moments before Luke had left my side and gone to her. ‘But you didn’t.’

‘What would be the point? It’s done now. There’s no going back. She’s having the baby. And I…’

‘You what?’

‘You know, Liv. It takes two to tango. It’s not like she made this happen on her own. I’ve got to take some responsibility.’

I felt tears begin to spring up in my eyes and grabbed the handful of grubby make-up wipes, pretending I was dealing with a stray mascara smudge as I dabbed my lower lids.

‘What are you going to do?’ I asked.

‘Rachel said it’s up to me. She’s going to want money – at least, the child’s going to need it. This isn’t his fault.’

‘It’s a boy?’

He nodded. ‘She found out a while ago. Anyway – she says I can be involved or not.’

‘And do you want to be?’ My voice was calm, but the sick churning was back in my stomach. I didn’t know what Luke’s answer would be, but I knew that tonight had changed everything.

Or rather, not tonight. A night months ago, before I’d even met Luke, when he and Rachel had lain together in bed in the flat they’d shared, and an accident of biology or a moment of carelessness or a deliberate decision on her part had decreed that what was happening tonight would happen.

Inexorably, between then and now, time had been moving towards this moment, and I’d had no idea.

It’s so unfair! my mind screamed. But there was no point in thinking that way.

‘Liv, I… I’m going to be a father, one way or another.’ He lifted his shoulders then let them drop back down, squaring them as if he was bracing himself for something. ‘I can be a shit, deadbeat one who sends money here and there, or I can do my best to be a good one. There’s nothing between me and Rachel any more, but I want to be part of my son’s life.’

‘I understand.’ I felt a rush of admiration for him – already, he’d made the decision. He’d chosen to do the right thing and not the easy one. He knew what it was like to grow up without a father and he didn’t want that for his own child.

‘Liv, I don’t want this to change anything between you and me.’ He was speaking in a rush now, as if he was desperate to convince not only me, but himself. ‘I’ll have to get a job. A proper one – either for a construction company or… something else. I can’t make art pay, anyway. I might have to find somewhere else to live – somewhere closer to Rachel and the baby. But I still want to be with you.’

But it won’t be the same. The knowledge lay heavily on my heart.

I heard Luke take a breath, and as he released it, he said, ‘I love you.’

I reached for him and held him close, able at last to offer the comfort I’d wanted to give him back at the party.

My voice muffled by his shoulder, I said, ‘I love you too.’

But already I was wondering how many more times I would get to say it before we weren’t able to love each other any more.

FORTY-THREE

30 OCTOBER 2005

Since I told Livvie, I’ve been thinking about my daughter – about Aisling – all the time. If Livvie knew this, I expect she would think it peculiar that I didn’t think about Aisling all the time anyway, but the truth is I didn’t – not any more than I think about my arms or my toes or my spleen.

They are all just part of me; I take them for granted. And I’ve come to take her absence – the absence of that being that grew inside me and was part of me for nine long months – for granted too.

I’ve been remembering those months, too, which I’ve never properly done before. All those conversations with my grandmother, going round and round in circles.

Can I not keep the baby?

That would be impossible, Orla.

Can I not go to England and… you know?

That would be illegal, Orla.