Page 112 of Sudden Summer

“Let’s hope not,” I grumbled. Her eyes ran over me, the line between her furrowed brows growing deeper the closer she got.

“How far’d you make it today?” she asked. I held out my hand and waited for her to put the two containers into my outstretched arm.

“To right here,” I grumbled, ready for the quick comment I knew she’d make about my lack of progress. But she didn’t say anything. Not until she was past me, heading toward the bench.

“Where do you want these?” Her voice trailed over her shoulder back to me.

“In my hand.”

Lainey turned around, her eyes rolling. “I can set them down for you.”

I ground my molars. “I know you’re trying to be nice, but I’m not incapable of carrying things because I’ve got one hand on my cane.”

Her face didn’t move except for the tiniest, almost imperceptible tightening of the small muscles around her eyes. “No one has ever accused me of trying to be nice.”

I scooped the trays from her hands and took the five steps over to the bench, turning to make sure I could give her hell before she bolted.

“What’s going on with your car?”

Her hand came up and poked against the top of her belly. I wasn’t even sure she realized she was doing it; her eyes focused to my driveway while her face flushed. “Don’t even get me started. Greg was supposed to take it to the shop in Bell Ridge, but he decided to buy himself a new truck instead. So, I get to ride around in a car older than you, sweating my ass off making deliveries, and he gets a fancy new toy.”

God, I hated that asshole. “That’s fucked up.”

“Yeah. I know it is. I was gonna drive over to the mechanic’s myself this afternoon but…” Her hands went to her back, and I could see her fingers dig into the muscles around her spine. “I just don’t have the energy to.”

“I could take a look for you.”

Where the fuck had that offer come from?

“Uh, no offense. But I don’t think you want me parking my car up here.”

Christ. “I can walk over there.”

We both knew that was a fucking lie. Lainey didn’t challenge me on that, but maybe it was the push I needed.

“Okay. Yeah. That would be great. I’m not an expert like you but…” Lainey’s voice faded into the background as the beat of my heart grew louder in my ears. My fucking eyes couldn’t stop looking at the edge of the porch.

This was no big deal.

There was no reason that I should be feeling dizzy.

I was going to help Lainey. I was going to do something for her. Her piece of shit fiancé couldn’t be bothered, but Birdie would want me to help if I could…and I should be able to.

I took another step, Lainey now down the stairs and halfway to her car. A fucking pregnant woman looked like a goddamn marathon runner next to how slow I was going.

“Lach? Are you okay?”

My fucking cane was shaking in my hand. No. It was my whole goddamn body. Sweat pricked at the back of my neck and my stomach clenched as I took another step toward the edge.

“I…” My mouth was dryer than a fucking desert, and no matter how hard I tried to focus on Lainey and the fucking pathetically sad look she had on her face, it couldn’t distract me from what my mind was screaming at me.

Inside was safe.

Inside was quiet.

Outside, something bad could happen.

What if something happened?

Something bad was about to happen.

Dark spots danced across my vision as I tried to slow my breathing down. My mouth was still open, but it didn’t feel like I was getting any air into my lungs.

My body stepped back. Just one single step, and already the hooks were loosening. Because my mind knew. I was weak, and I was going to let the fear win.

“I…” I shook my head, turning away from her. “I’m sorry,” I whispered, knowing she would never hear the words. Because by the time they’d floated off the porch, I was already inside.

My back pressed against the solid door, the breath sawing in and out of my lungs. I fucking hated my mind. I hated my body. I hated this version of myself that I had no fucking control over. No matter how many times I tried, no matter how I framed it in my mind, I was never going to get out of this house. I was never going to get off that fucking porch.