Page 115 of Derecho

“We’ve been over this. Daniel Ford was a stubborn man.” Her voice cracked, my own throat aching, just like it did any time my dad came up. “He was trying to get to me. Nothing in the world was gonna stop him.”

“Nothing except his heart.”

“I am his heart, Hayes. So are you, and your brothers, and your sister. So are Violet, and Birdie, and Lainey, and all the babies. His heart is this land we all get to live on. That organ in his body was destined to fail a long time ago. We both knew it. He went fast, which is what he always talked about wanting to happen. Do I wish we had more time with him? Of course I do. But he’s still here.” Ma tipped her face up to the sun, the breeze blowing her long, silver hair out of her face. “Can’t you feel him?”

I swallowed back my grief. “Yeah, I can.”

“Don’t keep blaming yourself for what happened. I hate that. He’d hate that. And besides…” Her finger poked at the emblem over my heart. “You’re about to go back on shift. I don’t want any of that guilt clouding your judgment. I don’t want you being reckless on a call.”

“Never.”

“Promise?”

“Yeah, Ma. I promise.”

“Well, good. I packed you some supper, it’s in the fridge. Put your name on the brown paper bag just like I used to when you were in school.”

My hand came up to wipe my eyes. “If you need anything today…If it’s too much being in the house alone…”

“Hayes, I do not need a babysitter. I am perfectly capable of being on my own.”

“I know you are. Just…if you aren’t ready…”

“I’ll be fine.” Ma rolled her eyes. “I’ve got Colt and Violet bringing Connor up for dinner, and then I’m just gonna read that book Jessie let me borrow, and sleep.”

“Well, just because I’m going back to work doesn’t mean I have to go back to my house when I’m off duty.”

“Hayes…” Ma’s eyes searched mine. “Are you sure you’re ready to go back? I know the department said you could take as much time as you need.”

“I’m ready to be back, Ma. I need to be back. I’m just worried about you.”

“How did I get so lucky to have so many sweet sons and perfect daughters in my life?”

I pulled her in for a hug, kissing her silver hair. “You’re a saint. That’s how.”

“Hey, man. Welcome back.”

Fuck. Exactly what I didn’t want to happen the second I walked back into the firehouse was exactly what I got.

“Thanks, Smitty,” I replied as he disappeared around the corner.

It’d been weeks of condolences every time I stepped off the ranch. Hell, I couldn’t even escape it when I went to see Ma. The main house was an explosion of flowers and casseroles. I would testify under oath that every single family in Silver Springs had come out to tell us how sorry they were about Dad’s passing.

What they were really saying was how sorry they were I fucked up. I should have had him checked out right away. I should have known his heart issues from before could make him more vulnerable in a situation like that. I’d failed my father, my family. I was the reason he was gone. And that pain, that guilt, it’d settled deep in my chest. Always aching.

“Lieutenant Ford, good to see you back.” Jackson Boone, a fire instructor for Clarence County, stepped out from behind the ladder truck.

“Lieutenant Boone.” I chuckled. “Don’t tell me you’re vying for a spot back in-house. Grace can’t be too happy about that.”

“Oh no.” He sighed. “Can’t say I don’t get my fill of adrenaline at fire school. I’m happy sticking to pushing you assholes through the courses and heading home to my family every night instead of heading back to a bunk.”

“Good for you, man. So, what brings you here?” I adjusted my bag on my shoulder.

“Actually, I was looking for you. Heard today was your first day back, and I wanted to catch you.”

“Yeah? What for?”

“I’ve been called off of training for a rotation. Spending some time with the fire investigators office.”