Page 85 of Derecho

“Yeah.”

“Do you need me to see you, without asking any questions?”

My throat tightened. “No. I’m okay.”

Lachlan nodded. “Good night, Lainey. I’m here if you need me.”

I looked down at Reid’s face, trying to memorize every facet of his features. Because I knew one day soon the papers would come. And I’d have to say goodbye.

“Reid!” I screamed out his name as I jolted awake. My heart was pounding so hard I thought I might throw up. Every inch of my body was covered in sweat, and even after the comforter was off me and in a pile on the floor, my whole body still felt overheated and dizzy.

“Lainey?!” Lachlan rushed into my room as the haziness of sleep receded into reality.

“I thought…oh, God. He’s over there, isn’t he? In his bassinet? I’m not hallucinating that, right? I’m not…I didn’t hurt him?”

“What the fuck? No, you didn’t hurt him.” I watched Lachlan walk around the bed through my watery vision before he placed his hand on Reid and smiled.

“He’s so good, Lain. Sleeping like a little log.” He turned, making his way back to me. The bed sank next to my hip as Lachlan sat.

“What happened? Why did you scream?”

My heart was still pounding violently in my chest. “I was dreaming. I didn’t know I was dreaming.”

“About what?” he asked, tucking some of the hair that had fallen out of my bun back behind my ear.

“I thought I fell asleep nursing him. I…I woke up and he wasn’t there. I couldn’t find him…” My head fell into my hands. “Why is this so hard?”

“This is so tough because you love him so much.”

“How do you know?” I asked, running my fingers across my lashes. Wetness soaked into the dry skin on my hands. I’d been washing them so much since Reid came into the world that they were starting to crack and bleed.

“What?”

“How do you know that I love him?” I repeated. “I don’t…I don’t even know that.”

That gut-wrenching admission scraped painfully past my vocal cords. How could I even think that? How could I so casually admit it?

“What are you talking about?” Lachlan’s jaw had dropped open, his eyes wide with confusion.

“I don’t know. I don’t know how to explain it. I feel like I’m the worst mom, but I can’t breathe. He felt like this far-off idea the whole time I was pregnant. This creature that was just…there. In theory, I knew he was real. I knew he’d come out and be a person, but I just…I don’t know. I don’t know him. I clearly don’t know what he needs or how to recognize what cues he’s trying to give me. You’re like some freaking baby whisperer, and I can’t even get my body to do anything other than want to sleep!”

My arms raised up, only to slam down against my legs in utter defeat.

“Lainey…”

“No. I need you to tell me how you know I love him! Because I’d protect him! I wouldn’t ever let someone hurt him. I wouldn’t ever hurt him. But that’s not enough for it to be love! I don’t want to keep doing this. Falling apart every time he cries. I’m so unbelievably selfish because when I look at him, all I can think about is how much I just want to sleep.” Tears ran down my face, but I didn’t care. Getting the words out felt so good. Admitting defeat—telling him how I wanted to rip my soul out of my body and just be numb for the rest of my life—felt so scary and so terrifyingly freeing at the same time. I got out of bed, desperate for some fresh air. For a space that was anywhere but right where I was. I made it to the doorway before I turned back around. “I want to go to bed and sleep. For more than an hour without being interrupted. For a day. For the whole week. And I know as soon as my head hits the pillow, he’s going to cry for me. Why? Why is he crying for me? He doesn’t know me. If he did, he wouldn’t want me. He shouldn’t want me!”

Lachlan stood, one hand holding on tightly to his cane, and stepped closer to me. I looked over in the bassinet to see Reid was still fast asleep. For now. It was only a matter of minutes before he’d be back awake, and the never-ending cycle would reset.

My shoulders were shaking with the strain of trying to hold back my sobs, but as soon as Lachlan’s arm went around my back and I curled into his chest, I lost it.

I didn’t care how awkward it was, all I cared about was holding onto him, because he was the only lifeline I had.

“Come on. I think it’s time you had a proper break.” His words sent a shiver down my spine.

“I c-can’t. I have to n-nurse him…every twenty minutes it feels like.” I pushed back from his chest, wiping at my face.

“We have formula downstairs.”