Page 96 of All Our Nevers

He thinks he’s check-mated me but I was born fighting. “If they refused I would try to make them! Because again, it’s different. It’s their physical health. It’s not ambiguous and it’s not a personal preference.”

“But there are lots of risks to physical health. Joining the military, taking a drink from a stranger, walking your dog alone at night. Would you be in the right to stop your partner from doing those things?”

“I find this conversation very frustrating.”

“It’s frustrating because I’m right.”

“No,” I spit, “it’s frustrating because it’s turning people’s real, complicated lived experiences into some reductive intellectual exercise. No, there’s no bright line between actions that are clearly supportive and actions that are clearly controlling. Is that what you want to hear?”

“Yes, it is.” He takes a step towards me but I’m not having it.

I push past him, marching towards the door, needing space as I say, “Fine. You win.”

But of course he cuts off my path to the door, voice low as he says, “I’m just trying to keep you safe.”

“And I don’t need that. I’ve kept myself safe until now and I’m gonna keep doing it. Didn’t you just say that to me a few nights ago? Didn’t you tell me I handled it and I survived and that’s enough?”

Finally, I’ve found a crack in his calm facade. There’s a rough edge to his voice, a desperate grating as he pleads, “Why won’t you let me help you?”

“I don’t make you do things you don’t want to do, even when they’re for your own good. I’m not running around telling Andy your secrets, or forcing you to tell him. Why can’t you do the same for me?”

“That’s not what this is at all. This is your safety. This is a real, acute threat of bodily harm. I’m not crazy for wanting to do something about it.”

“I think you should go,” I snap. “Now.”

“Are you serious?” He tosses his hands in the air and I flinch—my body’s learned reaction showing up without invitation.

Owen notices, takes a step back.

Embarrassment at myself, at the weakness I just showed, flushes my cheeks as I say, “Yes, I’m serious. Please leave.”

And even now, in the heat of this fight, when I’m so mad I could spit and he thinks he’s right and I’m the unreasonable one—even now, he breathes a deep sigh before bending to gently scratch Archie behind the ears.

“I’m gonna head out buddy, but I’ll see you soon, okay?”

And that? That’s too much.

Because unconsciously, my body was bracing for danger. Fighting with a man, a man bigger than me, alone here in this small space. Kicking him out, not giving in. My instincts prickled with barbs of self-defense, ready to fight or flee.

But even at my worst, my most unreasonable and volatile, Owen is stone. Stable enough for me to throw every piece of emotional baggage at him and watch it shatter.

He stands and says, “I’ll see you later, okay?” but the words are pure exhaustion.

I don’t respond.

He pulls open the door and walks away.

23

Owen

On Saturday morning, I go for my weekly jog with Andy. I haven’t spoken to Lia since last weekend and still don’t know what to do about it.

This is exactly why I don’t do relationships. They bring out the worst in me. The instincts that shouldn’t exist. She called me controlling and maybe she’s right, but I can’t stand by and do nothing. I won’t stand back and watch another woman I love be hurt.

I mean—fuck. I don’t love her. This thing is casual. That’s what we agreed to. But still, I’m allowed to care, right? I can’t stop myself from caring. Even if we’re just… friends… SALON… whatever… I can’t turn this part of my brain off and I don’t want to. I want her safe, and I will do anything to make that happen.

Anything, including humbling myself for advice from my little brother.