Page 45 of All Our Almosts

“If you’re mine.”

She flashed her fluorescent grin up at me—guileless and toothy and real—and it felt like my ribs were inflating. “It’s a deal.”

By the time I set her down in front of her building, I was somehow already missing the night that wasn’t yet over.

Then she raised her gaze to mine and asked, “Would you maybe wanna… come in? With me?”

At first I thought I’d misunderstood. But she took a step closer, trailing her fingers along my arm, and the invitation couldn’t have been more clear.

She was a perfect temptation, crafted just for me. Her full lips. Her hair in that yellow ribbon. The freckles across her nose. She was soft and natural and captivating. Cute and pretty. Sweet and wild. The devil on my shoulder screamed, “Yes! Go inside with her! She’s the one who asked.” But then she stumbled as she waited for my answer, and she’d just said it would be her first time…

I wanted her. Of course I did. I wanted her so badly. I just didn’t want her to regret it. Or just as bad, forget it.

I still hadn’t answered. Her offer hung in the air between us as I excavated a string of words from the annals of my mind, ultimately landing on, “I should head home.”

Her face fell. I felt like an asshole.

“But hey,” I tried, pulling her back against my chest, if only to hide myself from the sadness in her eyes, “thanks for spending your birthday with me. I’m… glad we’re friends.”

I don’t know if Sophie remembers the end of that night. After all this time, I’ve never been brave enough to ask.

But I remember it.

That night is a well-loved paperback—spine creased, pages dog-eared, annotations in the margins.

Because I fell in love with her that night, and in all the years since I’ve never been able to move on.

I fell in love with Sophie in the library, confident and kind. Sophie in the bar, opinionated and teasing. Sophie outside her dorm, bold and beautiful.

I’ve reread those chapters in my mind a hundred times. Two hundred. Trying to convince myself I made the right choice. That summer especially, I thought of her every day, trying to seem cool in my texts, wondering if there was a sober part of Sophie that really wanted me, too scared to ask, thankful for anything she’d give.

From the very start, Sophie didn’t just make me feel accepted. She made me feel needed. I don’t think I’d ever felt needed before I met her. And as our friendship grew, that year and in the years to follow, I promised myself I would always be someone she could rely on.

I’ve never let her down since.

I won’t start now.

13

Me: Andy and I are going to white horse tonight if you want to come! Like 9ish?

Lia: YES BITCH. im gonna bring rayna, she lives like a block away

Nolan: Can I bring Jaiden

Lia: are you dating jaiden? if so then yes

Nolan: So you automatically get to bring Rayna just because you’re dating but I don’t get to bring anhond

Nolan: anyone*

Lia: no nolan, you dont get to bring anhond

Me: I’ve never met Anhond, are they nice?

Andy: Oh, Anhond is coming? That’s awesome.

Nolan: I hate you guys