Page 53 of All Our Almosts

“Then tonight Elliot said some things that I just… I couldn’t take it anymore. I’d spent so long trying to be what he wanted, trying to make him really love me, and he just didn’t. I’m not the one who was emotionally unavailable in that relationship. Or maybe he’s not emotionally unavailable, but I just wasn’t good enough. I just....” I take a deep breath. “I’m so tired. I’m tired of pretending to be okay. I’m tired of caring so much, and always being the one who loves more. I want someone to know everything about me, even the sad things and the dark things and the dumb things, and still choose me. Still love me. I know it’s stupid, but it’s the truth.”

Andy leans his head against my hair, holding me tight. The radiator clangs, my sniffles slow, and eventually he asks, “Do you remember the party where we met, my sophomore year?”

I nod into his chest.

“You know I’ve always hated parties. Especially at college. They just felt like loud rooms full of people I didn’t care about. And when my roommates hosted they were always worried I’d ruin things by being too quiet or sullen or whatever… they literally had to supervise me. It felt like I was bringing them down just by being there.”

I start tracing slow swirls across Andy’s forearm, not wanting to interrupt his story, but reminding him I’m listening.

“All of freshman year I dreaded those parties, so for our first party of sophomore year I promised I would stay for an hour, then leave before I could mess things up. But then you were there. You barged into my room and surprised me and I…” He shakes his head against the top of mine, gathering his thoughts.

“You said people only like the easy parts of you. Well, let me tell you, that night when I met you—yes, it felt easy. For maybe the first time ever, it felt easy to be with someone. I didn’t feel anxious, I just felt like a—a person. I don’t know if that makes sense, but…” He squeezes me tighter against him, taking time to find his words. “What I’m trying to say is—you are not a party trick, Sophie. You are this rare, amazing person. You’re smart without making other people feel dumb, and you’re loud without making other people feel too quiet. And you are easy to be around, but that’s just the start. You bring out the best in people. At least, I feel like the best version of myself when I’m around you.”

A new tear traces the corner of my lip. Andy reaches up to stop its path with the pad of his thumb, and the whole world narrows into that touch.

It would be so simple, to fall into each other. Sitting together on this couch with a decade behind us and two inches between us. My face tilted up towards his, a familiar longing whispering there.

And I know he’s just my friend. I do. But then why is there a pull under my skin and an ache in my chest?

Just show me you feel it too, Andy. I’ve been shot down before, but I’m still right here. If you want this too, you have to show me.

But he doesn’t. And when I’ve held his gaze long enough that I feel the stinging behind my eyes change from Elliot-tears to Andy-tears, I know I’m torturing myself for nothing.

I shift away—still next to Andy, but supporting my own weight.

“Well.” I clear my throat. “You were a pretty great version of yourself in the bar today. Coming for Elliot like that? I’m very impressed, Walsh.”

“This is the brave new me.” He cocks a one-dimple smile. “Get used to it.”

I break our eye contact, but grant myself permission to rest my head on his shoulder, one last time.

“I really do love you, Soph,” he says, almost a whisper.

And I know he does. So I say, “I love you, too.”

But I can’t go on like this. I can’t languish in hope for another nine years. Something has to change.

16

Lia: where are you? did you guys leave without us?

Nolan: I think they left like two hours ago

Lia: why didnt you say bye?????????

Nolan: Did you guys see Elliot was here?

Lia: elliot wAS AT THE BAR??

Lia: s are you ok? did you talk to him??

Lia: HELLOOOO????

Lia: n should we show up at their apartment for a wellness check

Nolan: I’m in bed leave me alone

Lia: TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED