Page 87 of All Our Almosts

Andy places a kiss behind my ear, squeezing me tighter. “I’m really sorry, Soph. I… I wish there was something I could do to change it.”

“Me too.” I let a tear fall, but I don’t wipe it away. I don’t want Andy to realize I’m crying yet.

When the tear has dried on my cheek, Andy offers to cook whatever I want for dinner. I don’t have the energy to choose, so he just makes something “simple”—pasta and veggies—and it’s delicious, but there’s a heaviness in the air as we eat. I feel like such a failure. Everything was so good, and all I had to do was this one thing and I just couldn’t get it right. And now what? Where do we even go from here?

“What are you thinking about, Soph?”

I poke at my meal without looking up.

“Andy, is this crazy?”

“What?”

“Us.”

He immediately puts down his fork and comes around to the seat next to me, grabbing both my hands in his. “What are you talking about?”

“I know last night you said you would move to California with me, but I feel like you haven’t really had time to think it through. I don’t want you to make that choice lightly.” My eyes are watery as I try to avoid his.

“Hey, we don’t have to figure it all out now, right?” He reaches up to touch my cheek. “It’ll take time for Ashmore to make a decision, and then we can take it from there.”

“One week. They said they’d tell me in one week.”

“Okay.”

“Andy.” I look up at him now, gently removing his hand from my face. “I can tell you’re holding onto hope for Ashmore and I wish you wouldn’t. I think we have to confront the very real possibility that I am leaving Boston.”

“It doesn’t matter to me,” he says simply.

“It doesn’t matter to you?”

“No.”

“Well, it matters to me!” My voice rises as I do, standing from my chair to cross away from him. “I don’t want to mess up our whole lives so I can do some random program.”

Andy follows me into the living room. “It’s not some random program. Don’t let Elliot’s bullshit live in your head. This is important.”

He means it to be comforting, but the reminder of Elliot feels like a slap to the face. Elliot wasn’t willing to move with me after three years together. It’s crazy to ask it of Andy now.

I sit on the couch, shaking my head. “I can’t make you move to San Diego.”

He follows again, kneeling on the floor before my seat. “I want to move, Soph. I don’t know how I can be clearer about that.”

“Why?”

“Because I want to be with you.”

His dark brown eyes bore into mine as he says words I’ve wanted to hear for so long. But I’m worried it’s not enough. He wants to be with me, but I’m in love with him. And I’m so tired of always being the one who loves more.

“I want to be with you too.” My lip quivers as I fight for control. “So much. But that’s the problem. We’ve been together for four days and I already feel like you could shatter me. And—” I brace myself to put my cards on the table. It’s now or never. “—and I love you. Not just as a friend. I love you, all the way. I love you and I’m moving across the country in six months. And what? You’re going to come with me? You’re going to pack up your whole life here and move just to be with me?”

“Yes,” he says simply, frozen in place.

“What if… what if it’s not worth it? What if you end up resenting me?” Tears are falling now and I can’t stop them.

“I wouldn’t resent you.” He reaches for my hands but I pull them back. He looks so crestfallen that my heart breaks a bit more.

“Look, Andy, I want you to come with me. Of course I do. I want to be completely selfish and take you wherever I go. I just… can’t let myself do that to you.” My voice breaks. “But I can’t give up this dream either.”