Page 18 of Croc Food

Well, you would have thought I’d dragged dogshit in the house with the way everyone reacted in horror.

“Wait, I didn’t ask for that—” I started.

It was too late. Her brother Junior already had me under the armpits as Third grabbed me around the legs, and they were hauling me down the stairs.

“Got it, princess. We see the picture. You want him back in how many pieces?”

“No!” I howled. “Bitsy, please! I didn’t ask for that! I don’t know why she said that!”

“Shut up, you misogynistic pig! She’s done with you!”

“Maybe he can be alligator bait.”

“What the hell!” I roared. “This is all a misunderstanding!”

They were about to hog-tie me when Bitsy spoke.

“Maybe we should let him go if he promises to one day do the dishes.”

Well, the whole family exploded in anger, begging Bitsy to leave me, and by the whole I was able to make it back inside the gumbo was cold and everybody blamed me for it.

There was no good family spirit after that and no chance whatsoever of convincing her family I was a good guy.

The birthday festivities were marked with furious glares, and sideways glances, and everyone praising my wife’s cooking made me feel even more like a dumbass.

“You have ruined my birthday with your rampant misogyny,” Granny said angrily, shaking her cane in my face and I was forbidden a piece of birthday cake.

“Bitsy, for god’s sake,” I begged after she had retreated to the guest bedroom. “I never intended you to act like some submissive wife at home! I just meant around my boss.”

“Well, it’s kind of an immersive role,” Bitsy said. “I’m afraid I’ll have to get into it 24-7.”

“Let’s forget the whole thing!” I begged. “It was a stupid idea.”

“Certainly not!” Bitsy said, pulling out her braids so her blue curls bounced around her shoulders. “If you want me to try to be a sweet lil traditional housewife at the dinner, of course I will. No problem at all.”

“Wait, you will?” I asked suspiciously.

“You asked for a traditional wife, and you will get one,” is all she said.

Of course that would be enough! I thought anxiously to myself. I wouldn’t ask her for anything else afterward and Mr. Van Buren could just suck it after the promotion. Bitsy knows I love her. She knows it’s just that I screwed up.

But when I went to kiss her good night, she swerved her head and the kiss landed in her ear.

Which was very nice, but not what I was intending.

“Baby?” I asked. “You do forgive me, don’t you?”

“Of course,” she said.

“Well, aren’t you coming to bed?”

“I will lie at the foot of the bed,” she said docilely. “That way you can have the whole thing, as befits a Man. Men deserve more, for they are our betters.”

My blood ran cold, because not only was it pretty damn clear Bitsy did not in any way forgive me, but also if she spoke loud enough I risked her family coming in, throwing me in a sack, then drowning me in the river.

“You know that’s not what I want!” I whispered in agony.

“Isn’t it?” she asked sweetly.