Page 36 of Playboy’s Purgatory

Ignoring Lara, since it’s the only way I’ll be able to control myself in this very public place and at a totally inappropriate time, I focus on Vanessa. She looks between us like she already knows how this ends.

I wish she would tell me because I’m still at a loss.

I’m not sure Lara will ever forgive me for the dumb shit I said. She doesn’t have to ever forgive me.

Hoping she will feels far too fragile. I can’t pick up that feeling; I don’t trust it in my hands. Not yet.

“How’s school been so far this year?”

“It’s good,” she starts and then pauses before adding, “I’m ready for the year to be over though.”

“Already?” I tease her.

Lara reminds her daughter with amusement and reproach in her voice, “Not that long ago you were saying you were bored and wanted to go back to school.”

“I’m just done with elementary school, I think,” Vanessa muses like she’s contemplating one of the great mysteries of the universe and finding an answer. “I’m ready for middle school.”

“One more year,” there’s an edge of panic, hurt, resentment, and pain in Lara’s voice.

But there’s also warmth. The love between them is so clear to see when they interact like this. Part of me wants to stay quiet just to steal more little moments like this one. But I also want to be in it with them; I want to be a part of it.

It’s a gluttonous feeling and it twists in the worst parts of me.

“Don’t try to grow up too fast,” I warn Vanessa lightly. “Middle school will be there next year. And I bet once you get used to it, you’ll be wishing for summer break again even when you’re in middle school.”

“It’s too hot in the summer,” Vanessa makes a face.

“That’s when you get outside and embrace it.” I glance around the diner and remember sitting at this same booth a time or two growing up, making plans, and then finding out what summer had in store for us. “When I was growing up, I spent a lot of time in the woods camping out and setting traps for the Coyote Man.”

Lara shoots me a look like I’ve lost the last brain cell I was still being graced with. “I am not taking you camping to hunt for anything,” she warns Vanessa before the girl can even say anything.

“That’s fine,” Vanessa says sweetly. “I bet if I asked Playboy, he’d say yes and make it a whole thing with s’mores and a few brothers,” her tone turns sarcastic, “for protection.”

“No,” I joke, “they’d come just because they like a good Coyote Man hunt. What do you think we did back in the day? It’s not like there was more to do around town back then.”

Lara laughs softly but then coughs to try to cover the sound. She’s not fast enough.

“Scratch was always up for a weekend in the woods.” Nostalgia fills me while I think back over those years. “Sometimes Diesel would come out with us. We’re all the same age, were in the same class throughout school, and spent a lot of time together. All the club brats spent time together,” I explain, wanting them, for some reason, to understand my world a little better.

I haven’t exactly given them the best impression of what they can expect from the club or time spent at the clubhouse. Internally I wince at the reminder of my dickishness.

Honey delivers our food, ranch and all, with a smile on her face. Because she’s the best waitress, she goes ahead and puts my slice of cake in a to-go box and taps it lightly after putting it on the table. Vanessa licks her lips as she stares at her burger and Lara can’t keep a straight face. I let myself peek at the way her face lights up from the corner of my eye.

The entire time we’re eating, Vanessa is more than willing to chat with me. She tells me all about Ariel, and I can’t help but look surprised to find out a goldfish from the fair over the summer is still alive.

Lara kicks the side of my leg just as my lips part to ask a follow up question and my I shove some fries in my mouth instead. I’m not sure what the kick means, but I’m not stupid enough to ignore it completely.

When Vanessa mentions drawing irises, just like my flower note suggested, I tear up a little bit. I won’t be admitting it any time soon, but it did something to me.

“I’d like to see them sometime,” I try to keep my voice steady, but it’s rough around the edges. “If you’re allowed, you’re welcome at the shop anytime. I always have drawing supplies and Riti is a great artist as well.” When I look at Lara, she nods slightly which doesn’t surprise me because Riti has been taunting me with treats from Bunz Out for a while now. I offer, “You can come in, check out our art and draw. Speaking of drawing,” I turn my attention to Lara completely and she stills, “have you given any thought to my offer?”

I’ve kept the question inside this long and it was starting to gnaw at me. I’m terrified to know her answer, but I also need to know. It’s incredibly frustrating.

With the meal winding down, the window to ask is closing.

Even though she’s clearly still pissed at me for crashing dinner, she takes pity on me. “I don’t know,” she sounds like she’s been debating what to do about my offer since it arrived.

My heart starts pounding in my chest and I have to stop myself from begging her to say yes. I’d never hear the end of it, but it’s really fucking tempting.