Page 47 of Goalie interference

“I’d rather you chew my ear off for an hour than ignore me and cry alone, baby.”

“I don’t want to.” I hiccuped, messily wiping my face, but not turning over to face him. “I don’t want to yell at you, or argue with you, or…ignore you–I don't want to do any of that.”

“Okay,” he said softly, moving stiffly behind me as his hand slipped from my back again. “Then we don’t have to do that. We can just talk, or, if you want, you can just cry, but at least do it over here, baby.”

“It seems awfully lonely over there–”

“It’s all lonely,” I mumbled, settling on my back reluctantly. “It’s like the pain thing again–I know what it’s like to not feel lonely…so now it sucks more.”

Thayer froze.

Maybe he wasn’t expecting me to actually turn over, or maybe it was just from what I said, but he didn’t move for a minute–just watched me. He finally moved, but only to settle onto his side, propping his head up on one arm in the dark room.

“I don’t want you to feel lonely, Ash,” he said softly, mindlessly toying with the sheets between us. “I was just…I was really scared,” he whispered. “I wanted to trust you, baby–I wanted to believe that you were fine…but what if you weren’t? What if you thought you were and you got hit again–”

“I know what a concussion feels like.”

But he didn’t know that.

I didn’t know how detailed my file was, but I was sure it didn’t have stuff dating back to middle school. My concussion was minor, so no need to include it in the permanent files.

Like the ones they gave my college coaches.

Thayer stuttered, his mouth opening and closing like he didn't know what to say next. I didn’t even know what he could say or what I should or shouldn't say. I just knew that I’d hated every second of being here so far, yet I refused to leave.

At least a little part of me was hoping for some magic–something to fix this.

“It’s scary,” I breathed, breaking the long silence of uncertainty between us. “I…It’s scary how badly I need you… I can’t even walk away from you right now when I know that I should.”

“I’m scared of it, too,” he sighed, his hand going still and flat on the bed.

I wasn’t sure what I was hoping for when I said that, but having him confirm that it was wrong…it made me sick. I wanted him to shush me and tell me something sweet, but agree with me?

“Because I should have walked away from you months ago…but you have a hold on me so deep, Ash.”

My eyes fell on him fully against my will, catching the slightest flash of moonlight against his glassy eyes. I took a closer look at him–at how uncomfortable he was, but not because I was here.

Because he couldn’t touch me.

He was stiff in his spot, his hands twitchy and tense–he was messing with the sheet to give his hands something to do that wouldn’t invade the space I’d asked him for.

This was killing him.

“You ruined my morning,” I said quietly, turning fully over on my side to face him. “I had to spend my morning alone, and then you broke my routine–”

“I know,” he breathed weakly, his eyes stuck on me now. “I felt awful about it–I tried like hell to get home faster, but you’d already–”

“Then,” I said a little more firmly, sniffling. “When I really needed you to just trust me, you didn’t…”

“How am I supposed to trust you now?”

Thayer hesitated for a second, his hand stilling. “You will,” he said, surely, confidently. “Let me comfort you, baby.”

Thank God– I couldn’t take this anymore.

With no hesitation, I crashed straight into Thayer’s chest, burying my face in the shirt that I already hated being there. We’d been sleeping naked for months now, so all these clothes felt even more foreign.

But it still felt better than the last four hours of my life.