Page 7 of Butterfly 6, Phase 1

“My heart is broken for them,” Aria answered. “For us all. She’s just a baby.”

“Mmm,” Isa huffed as he sat at the end of the bed. He leaned over, balancing his forearms on his thighs while rubbing his hands together.

Aria stifled a sob and kissed the top of Messari’s head. “I don’t think any of us would survive if Yolly…”

“Don’t say no shit like that, Ali. Don’t even put it out there,” Isa snapped. “What you doing here? You don’t live here no more, remember?”

“He wanted to come see his Uncle Isa. The least we can do is keep him distracted while Morgan and Messiah figure out what to do next,” Aria answered. “But if I’m not welcome…”

“Are you gon’ stay?” Isa asked.

“I haven’t changed my mind, if that’s what you’re asking, but my friend needs me.”

“What about your man? Your man needs you, too,” Isa said. It was as close to begging as he would get. He hadn’t slept well since she had left. Isa wasn’t a lover boy. He would rotate pussy in and out for casual sex and ego boosts when he felt he needed companionship. He hadn’t expected Aria’s absence to leave a void in his life. He was so used to accommodating her in his day that not having her to check in to, not having her to call him home when she was tired of being alone, not having her to feed, to argue with, to roll over and pull into his arms when he heard her having a bad dream at night, it all threw him off. He would never tell her that, but the man had an ache in the pit of him. Aria had pulled him out of the trenches into normal life, and he didn’t know how much that fed his soul until he went back to starving. The everyday routine of her was a treasure to behold. The breakfast sandwiches wrapped in foil because he couldn’t sip and smoke all day without food on his stomach. The body wash and clean towels that automatically appeared on his side of the shower without him having to buy it. The availability of her laugh when he found something funny in a room and needed a partner in crime to bask in the silent joke. He just fucking missed her. All of her. From the simplest moments to the heaviest, like now, with Yara, Isa craved her contribution to his world.

“Just not more than you need the streets and these bitches and this lifestyle,” Aria said sadly. She sat up in the bed, easing slowly away from Messari so she wouldn’t wake him.

“You putting all that shit on me,” Isa said. “I never said none of that, Ali. None of it comes before you. You knew who I was when you met me. I never pretended to be anything else.” Isa stood.

“And I thought you were just going to be a good time, Isa. You were this fine-ass, rich-ass, thug-ass nigga. You were a tree, and I wanted to go outside and climb it. It started out as fun. You felt like something I could handle, but I can’t handle you. You handle me, and I don’t like being handled. I don’t like feeling desperate or worried about keeping a man. I fucked up. I was never supposed to fall in love. Not in college. Not before I got a chance to live. Love derails you. Loving a man more than he loves you is the worst position to be in.”

“That’s cap, all of it. Straight bullshit, Ali. I fucked up when I treated you different,” Isa replied. “You know how I was out here before you? Wasn’t no faithful! Wasn’t no special treatment, and dates, and all that bullshit you made me do. You had me buying you flowers and shit. Talking about you don’t touch doors, like your fingers broke, nigga. Had me carrying grocery bags and hanging curtains in my house for your little ass. How you gon’ make a nigga sign up for a Costco card then dip? I don’t need 50 rolls of toilet paper without you here! Fuck you got me out here doing?” Isa was real-life irritated with her ability to cut him off like he wasn’t making real changes to court her and meet her expectations. “You wanted a boyfriend, so I became your fucking boyfriend like a ho-ass nigga with his nose wide open. Got me out here caking like Messiah. Swear to God you try to play like Mo and I’ma lay whoever your Meek is down. Try me,” he threatened. “Now you gone, and I’m out here nostrils still fucking flared behind your little ass. Bitches think I’m trying to wine and dine they asses because they saw how I was with you. Can’t even get no casual pussy these days cuz they want the Ali treatment. Talking about I don’t love you more. A nigga was minding his business, getting his dick wet, and getting this paper. Should have handled you the same if you were gon’ be on this bullshit.” Her eyes burned with sadness because she didn’t want him to mean those words, but she knew he did. He had shown her commitment. He had adored her. He prioritized her. He catered to her. He spoiled her. Aria had taught him how to be vulnerable in a relationship, and it had led to this. He had grown attached, and Aria was ready to detach. He regretted every second they had spent together, and she knew it. “I’ma sleep in the other room,” he finished.

She hated that he was hurting. He was playing tough, but she knew him. He was injured by her decision. She was, too. Her devastation was immeasurable. Walking away wasn’t easy, but Aria would die if she stayed. Her dreams would drift farther and farther away from her because Isa’s aspirations were limited. He could reign supreme over the city of Flint, and that would be enough for him. Aria needed more. She wanted more, and she recognized Isa for what he was: a trap. Love had set up many girls in her situation. Love made promises that were rarely kept. Love expired eventually, and Aria’s dreams would be sacrificed if Isa didn’t make good on her. She couldn’t let herself become another Morgan. M&M’s journey was enough to scare her straight.

“Nephew gon’ come looking for me when he wakes up. Let him,” Isa stated. Normally, Aria would occupy Messari and Yara to let Isa get his sleep when they kept the twins. She knew why he welcomed the disruption this time. He took steps toward the door, and it hurt her feelings that he was choosing to sleep apart from her.

“So, we just hate each other now?” Aria asked. “Why can’t we be friends? It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. We’ll have to be around each other. We have mutual friends, Isa.”

Isa turned back to her, and the look in his eyes made her gasp. He doesn’t want me here, she thought.

“I gave you what I had, Ali. All of it. It ain’t enough. I ain’t with the back and forth. Once you choose, you choose. I ain’t trying to convince you. You don’t belong to me no more. You can stay here with nephew for as long as you need. Tomorrow, after he sees my face, I’ma go to the trap. Post up there until you get him back to Mo and you’re on your way. You better than this, remember?”

He was disconnected in a way that he had never been before. Even when they had first met, he had been more considerate of her feelings.

“Isa, you know I can’t sleep,” she whispered. Those words halted his steps.

“You got to learn how, Ali.” She barely heard him. He spoke the words so low, almost regrettably. It would have made her feel better had he yelled them. If he were emotional or irrational, she could have excused it later, but it was his calmness that alarmed her. She had decided, and it hadn’t even taken a full twenty-four hours before he had let go of the responsibility of catering to her. When he left the room, she knew they were over, and although she had been the one to walk out the door, she had never dreamed that he would lock it behind her. She always thought she would be able to double back. What was so wrong with wanting to find herself? She wanted to be unattached. She wanted to dream. The trap of being stuck underneath a nigga you loved was terrifying to her. She didn’t want to look up in ten years and wonder what if. Even worse, she didn’t want to give him her youth only to have to bury him before they could grow old together because he refused to leave the game. Choosing herself was necessary, but she envisioned that one day down the road, when the playing field was more equal, and after she had lived, they might find their way back to each other. When he was ready to slow down, and when she had grown up, she wanted Isa to be an option. But the way Isa was carrying it, she was realizing that this may be permanent. As she swallowed down the lump in her throat, she willed herself not to cry, reached over to the lamp, and turned off the light.

Her fears immediately made it feel like there was someone else in the room with her. She snapped her eyes closed and felt the wetness building around her lashes.

“Everything’s okay. You’re okay,” she whispered. Only she wasn’t. None of them was, and she wasn’t sure if things would ever be okay again.

Chapter 4

1 AM

“You Part II” by Elle Eliades

The familiar sound of this Susan Street house was like music to Alani’s ears. Her entire nervous system calmed between these walls. She wished she could stay here forever, but she had a family, a husband who was waiting for her to come home. She had so many questions about Kenzie and Lucas, but something inside of her became unnerved every time she thought of broaching the subject.

Ethic was coming back for her. They were supposed to pack up her things and whisk her back to his mansion, but she was afraid that the memories of Kenzie’s voice wouldn’t be so fresh there. She could practically hear her baby’s sweet tone bouncing off these walls. She was trying to heal. Mara and Dr. Pratha made it seem like she was lucky to even be alive, so she tried not to focus on the glaring emptiness in her life, but she missed her child terribly. There was a bile that lived in the back of her throat just from the void of Kenzie. She just had so many questions, and everyone seemed afraid to provide answers. She couldn’t control anything. Neither her body nor her mind would cooperate, and with memories evading her, she had no idea how to begin accepting this new normal. Everyone was so happy that she was alive. They didn’t mind that her legs barely held her up. She couldn’t make it to the bathroom without being winded. It frustrated her to no end, but her family was elated to step in. They cooked for her. They cleaned for her. They washed her, fed her, entertained her. She felt like such a burden. She felt like a shell of who she once was. She had these people who loved her. They weren’t affected at all by Kenzie and Lucas being gone. Not even Nannie mentioned it. Nyair either. It told her that some time had passed. Grief had gone into the ground, and somehow, Alani had married and found happiness with Ethic.

Alani Okafor, she thought. An overwhelming urge to cry caused her to breakdown. To build a life and leave Kenzie behind felt criminal. To move on felt impossible. If only she could remember how she had done it before. She had all this love for Kenzie, and it had nowhere to go. She had barely had a moment alone since waking up. It was in the wee hours of the morning, before the rest of the house awakened, that she finally felt free to grieve. She cried, tears of confusion, of sadness, and of longing. She knew she had to let this river of pain run dry because once she was back under the same roof as Ethic, she wouldn’t expose how badly it hurt again. She was supposed to be grateful that she had come back to her family, but a huge part of her wished she hadn’t. Wherever Kenzie was, Alani wouldn’t have minded joining her there. God had made other plans, however, and Alani had to find a way to deal with the loss while being under a microscope. It felt like they all took shifts watching her every move. Ethic, Bella, Eazy, and even Nannie. She knew once she left this house, there would be no silent tears, no room for privacy. When Ethic was near her, she felt her body gravitating toward him. Her pulse quickened; her heart stirred. She believed that they were madly in love.

What is there not to love about him? she thought. He’s fine as hell. Powerful. And so damn caring. He’s doting and loving. He’s so grateful for me. How do I give him that back if I can’t even remember why he loves me so much? And how do I just forget about my baby? I can’t just move on to happily ever after without her.

Alani had no idea how far from a fairy tale their Okafor love story had been, but all her assumptions led to a perfect family picture in a shiny frame. If she had come back to a life where her brother was gone, she could grieve that and allow herself to push forward without guilt, but her daughter? Her firstborn? And they all were so expectant, so diligent in their love and responsibility to her. They wanted a wife and a mom who woke up every morning with a smile on her face. This felt like a test she was incapable of passing because there was no clarity to help push past this sudden loss.