Page 108 of Knot Their Starlet

“Why not?”

“They’d never do something to deserve being hurt,” I say with a shake of my head.

“I don’t think I’ve actually heard you say the same for yourself, Andi.”

Her words have me pausing. She’s right. There’s still a big part of me that thinks it’s my fault.

“Who told you it was your fault?” Nancy pushes.

I pick nervously at my cuticles.

“My mom,” I mumble. “First thing she asked after I woke up in the hospital was what I had done.”

“The mother-daughter relationship is a complicated one. It runs incredibly deep. I’d like for us to work on deciphering what exactly is her voice and what’s yours. It’ll take a while and a lot of work for it to become natural, but that sort of shift in mindset can be liberating.”

“That—that makes sense,” I nod. “God, am I glad to have met you.”

“Of course, I’m glad it was helpful,” Nancy says, offering me a warm smile. “Now tell me about this man and why you think you have daddy issues.”

“Oh, well, he...” I wince, remembering Leo. And Beck. “Actually, I think it’s more like three.”

Elijah’s comment about my mother flashes through my mind.

Blood doesn’t mean you have to lie there and take it.

I’m not going to lie, those words... that flash of protectiveness, it was one of the most attractive things a man has ever said.

“Okay, maybe four,” I say, burying my face in my hands again. “Though only one of them is old enough to be considered diagnosable criteria for Daddy issues. Though, maybe entertaining the idea of four men fits some criteria on its own, so⁠—”

“I’m going to slow you down for a second. First things first, age gaps, while they may in some cases be problematic, don’t mean that you can’t have fulfilling and meaningful relationships. Second, packs are becoming increasingly more normal. It seems the thought of these two things is bringing you significant anxiety, so let’s unpack that.”

“The—the alpha, the older one, he’s old enough to be my dad,” I explain. “He’s totally the kinda guy my mom would go after. Hell, I’ve genuinely had the thought that she’d probably try to seduce him if I ever introduced them.”

My shoulders curl forward at my words.

“I guess that’s my mom’s voice coming out, then. I think... I think it’s my mom’s voice coming out when I get anxious about having a pack, too. Because when I think about what I want, it’d be pretty nice to have a pack.”

Hindsight is twenty-twenty, but I’m really starting to realize that even when things were “good” between Ezra and I, he wasn’t necessarily the best boyfriend. I was always consumed with being the best girlfriend, but I don’t think he offered me anywhere near the same consideration.

Nancy lets me sit in silence while I parse through my thoughts.

“You know, the whole ‘what’s my mom’s voice and what’s my voice’ has me thinking,” I murmur. “We—the guys and I—we talked about my dad. I think that’s the first conversation I’ve ever had about my dad that didn’t end in disaster. That’s never happened before.”

“It’s natural to wonder about your parents. Especially if you haven’t had a relationship since you were a child.”

“I barely remember him. I don’t even know if I could describe his voice,” I say with a shake of my head. “I barely remember anything from when I was a kid. It’s frustrating. I feel like there’s something wrong with my brain. I wasn’t a baby when my mom left him. I should remember him, right?”

“The brain works to protect us. Sometimes, that means limiting our ability to form memories if there’s a lot of stressful events going on, especially when we’re children.”

“How am I supposed to figure out who the guy was? It’s not like I can ask my mom about him. She... goes crazy if I even mention him,” I say, running a hand through my hair.

“Have you ever thought of reconnecting with him?” She asks the question gently, but it doesn’t dampen the impact.

Have I?

I think I can honestly answer that question with a hell no.

My mom would lose her shit if she knew I went and saw the guy.