Page 46 of The Crowned Queen

Loren had been horrified when dara’el had shown him how his father’s grief had fed the slaughter of an entire battlefield—fae and human alike—but now…

Now he understood.

“Loren,” Finn started, reaching for him. “We’ll figure something out.”

“Don’t.” Loren turned away from his friend. Away from the guilt written across Kai’s expression and the pity filling Caela’s eyes. “Don’t lie to me. I just—” his voice broke, the shadows lashing at his legs. “I can’t be around anyone right now.”

He shoved past Raelle, barely looking at anyone as he stormed through the common area. He couldn’t be responsible for what the shadows might do now. Even with the tea muffling the bond he could feel their fury. Their sorrow and fear. The hinges of the door squealed when he shoved it open, the cooling night air slapping him across the face as he spilled into the street, scattering the fae gathered there.

Loren planted both hands against the guardhouse, every breath sawing in and out of his chest. Goddess, he must be terrifying right now. After all of the progress he’d made convincing them they didn’t have to fear his shadows⁠—

“Loren?” A small voice asked. “Are you alright?”

Loren laughed raggedly, glancing up at where Maya peered down at him. She was perched on the roof of the guardhouse—keeping watch, no doubt, whether Raelle had authorized her to or not. She’d gotten comfortable with his shadows over the past weeks, but even she looked wary of the roiling darkness surrounding him.

“Not really,” he said. “Is there somewhere I can go? Somewhere no one will find me for a while?”

Maya considered for a moment, watching his shadows. “I know a place,” she said. “Climb up here and I’ll take you.”

Maya led him on a terrifying journey across the rooftops, leaping between the narrow buildings without a speck of fear. She’d been reluctant to leave him alone once they finally reached the perch she claimed offered the best view of the city, only relenting once he’d sworn to her that he just needed a few moments by himself.

“Space to breathe,” she said, her small face brightening with understanding. “I’ll keep watch, then.”

She vanished back the way they had come, disappearing into the darkness. Loren took a deep breath, reminding himself that this was the world she’d grown up in—who was he to tell her what was too dangerous? She’d been scampering across the rooftops while he rotted in iron in a cell under the Aetherium.

He stood there a long time, staring unseeing out over the city. Maya was right—you could see clear over the wall surrounding Farhallow here. He scanned the steady, golden gleam of aetherlight that marked the New Dominion’s perimeter, stretching as far as he could see in either direction. Inside the wall, that golden glow shifted, becoming flickering cook fires and torches. Without the curfew and fear of Arcanum soldiers to drive them into their homes, fae packed the streets even this long after dark, the sound of laughter and music rising through the air.

They were celebrating.

The Arcanum might come tomorrow. They might tear down the barricades, slaughter their leaders, and drag the rest back in chains. But tonight—tonight, they were free.

What would Araya have thought of this? Would she have joined in their music and dancing and celebrated alongside them? Or would she have watched from the rooftops like him, counting the numbers of Arcanum soldiers gathered on their doorstep?

Loren wasn’t sure how long he stood there before the boards creaked behind him. Whoever had come to find him approached slowly, making sure he heard them and stopping a respectful distance from the slinking shadows.

“Space for one more?” Raelle asked.

Loren grimaced. “I can’t make any promises for them,” he warned, nodding to the shadows. “Did Maya rat me out?”

“She would never.” Raelle laughed. “After what you did for her mother? She’s more loyal to you than any royalist I’ve ever met.”

“I wish I could have saved her mother,” Loren said.

“So do I. But even you can’t be everywhere at once, Your Majesty.” Raelle perched on the edge of the roof beside him, staring out over the city. “Maerin would have loved this.”

“I was just trying to decide what Araya would have thought of it,” Loren admitted, staring down at the shadows as they wound around his feet instead of meeting her gaze. “I’m not sure it’s something she ever imagined happening.”

Raelle hummed softly. “I’m not sure any of us ever imagined this happening,” she said thoughtfully. “Did you know I met her a few times?”

“You did?” Loren started, his gaze flashing to her.

“A few times.” Raelle swung her feet, staring out over the edge of the roof. “She would help Serafina with the maternity clinics.”

Loren frowned. “I didn’t realize you had children.”

“Oh, I don’t.” Raelle laughed, but her mouth twisted into a bitter smile. “I would go with the others—to make sure they were treated fairly. They tried to put me in the breeding program when I aged out of Velgrim and started cycling, but I fought too much. The mage they’d assigned me to beat me so badly for resisting that I’ll never be able to carry a child to term.”

“I’m sorry,” Loren said uselessly.