Page 142 of Lennox Lane

“I understand if you never forgive me. I know I don’t deserve it. I need to say that before I tell you my story. Not as an excuse for the type of shitty mother I was to you. I was raised without love. My mama treated me like being born was something I did to spite her, and my father was no better. Men in my family always seemed to think girls were born owing them something. I didn’t know how to be safe for you because nobody ever made me safe,” she spoke as Lane’s stomach clenched at her mother’s revelation, but she didn’t interrupt.

“I was abused my whole life, by people who should’ve protected me. Then I was called fast for surviving it. Lane, I learned cruelty where I should’ve learned love before anything else. When I got pregnant with you—I didn’t know if your father was my high school boyfriend or my own father. I didn’t know until you were born and you looked like my high school sweetheart. You had his eyes, nose, and those damn freckles. I was so happy you were his and not a product of incest. By the time you came into this world, I was already broken. Still, your daddy loved me, and his family even took me in. When he was killed during a store robbery going to get you diapers, his family resented me and you for his death and put us out,” she finished as Lane’s tears came faster now.

Jeanette looked up at her with eyes so red it nearly broke Lane in half. Her mother was dealt a tragic hand, and instead of breaking those chains of abuse, she kept the cycle going. Lane covered her mouth in an attempt to keep from bawling, but it was useless.

“I was so dead inside that I couldn't give you something I never had. Instead of learning from you, I was jealous of you. You refused to let your circumstances snatch away your potential. I was looking at you working for the life I almost had while becoming the girl I might’ve been if somebody had loved me, and instead of protecting you, I resented you for thriving,” she admitted.

Lane sobbed at the truth because she finally had insight into why Jeanette gave her the ugliest parts of her. The tears came from the girl who had to seek safety behind the library’s walls and hide her scholastic aptitude so as not to seem better than her surroundings. Lane cried for the little girl that wanted a mother so badly she refused to accept the truth until she finally left and never looked back.

“Can I?” Jeanette asked, reaching across the small space between them, stopping short to get Lane’s consent.

Lane looked at her hand before nodding. Jeanette took her hands as they both cried. This moment wasn't about forgiveness; it was Jeanette opening a door between them that had been sealed for years. Inside it held rage, addiction, abandonment, and all the words Jeanette had never been sober enough or brave enough to say.

“I didn’t have the tools to break the curse,” Jeanette said through tears, “But that’s not an excuse for being a shit parent. You deserved a mama who came looking for you. I failed you in every way a mother can fail a child, Lane.”

Lane bent forward, crying into their joined hands.

“I was right there,” she spoke quietly.

“I know,” her mother uttered softly.

“You didn’t come,” Lane cried out.

“I should have,” Jeanette sobbed.

“I needed you,” Lane found the strength to say.

“I’m sorry, I’m so so so so sorry,” her mother said.

Lane cried until her chest hurt because she’d finally gotten an answer to questions that plagued her for years, and she didn’t have to confront Jeanette to get them. Lane thought explanations would make her angrier, but the truth had been offered with accountability and remorse. Her mother gave shape to the monster without making the monster innocent. Jeanette had been hurt, and in turn she hurt Lane, while both things were true, one didn’t cancel the other. Eventually, Lane’s tears stopped, and Jeanette let her hands go as she wiped her face with unsteady fingers.

Lane breathed and said something she never thought she’d say to Jeanette. “I’m willing to work at a relationship.”

Jeanette froze, waiting for the catch.

“I’m willing to work at forgiveness,” Lane continued, “But only if you stay clean.”

“I will,” Jeanette spoke, nodding so fast her braids shifted over her shoulders.

“No, listen to me,” Lane’s voice steadied, “I can’t be your reason for sobriety. I can be a reason you want a better life, but I refuse to be the thing holding you together. That’s not fair to me, and it won’t keep you clean,” Lane finished.

“My counselor said something like that,” Jeanette agreed.

“Your counselor is smart,” Lane agreed, causing Jeanette to chuckle.

“You have to stay in treatment, continue your therapy, and find a sponsor. You don’t get to skip steps because I showed up today,” Lane spoke, asserting her boundaries.

“I won’t,” her mother agreed.

“And if you relapse, you tell the truth, but please don’t disappear on me. I have faith in you, but you’re human, and this is a new journey. So if you stumble, speak up so we can help you,” Lane added.

Jeanette nodded, crying again. “Okay.”

“And if you ever let another man come before your relationship with me, we’re done,” Lane let her mother know.

Jeanette’s face held shame as she answered simply with an okay. Lane looked down at the reason she had shown up, Jeanette’s application.

“You still want the job?” Lane asked.