Page 103 of Coal Hearts

––––––––

GODDAMMIT, I HAVE GOT TO stop kissing her.

Every time I slipped, her taste burned deeper into my psyche. Every press of our lips, I slid farther on the slope of wanting something I couldn’t have.

Never again.

No more kisses.

No more whispers.

No more truths.

She’d promised me she wouldn’t fight.

That was enough.

With her in on the ruse, I could act like them, fuck like them, abuse like them, all while Ily trusted that every bruise I gave her was for the greater good.

The greater good?

Shit.

Why did that make me feel so seedy? So dirty?

She thinks you’re a cop.

I stood behind her with a book in my hands. A book I had no intention of reading, ready to play my part.

She’d promised to play with me.

And in return, I made her a silent vow.

I would never kiss her again.

No matter what I did to her.

No matter how many times I had to fuck her, hurt her, make her sob and beg and cry, I would never steal another kiss.

Never allow such intimacy to form.

Never let her think I was redeemable.

This was a business arrangement...nothing more.

A kiss was for lovers.

For hearts and souls and ever afters.

We were not lovers.

Fuck, I didn’t have the words for what we were.

Whatever we’d become, we were bound by a common goal, and as long as we stuck to those rules, then whatever I did to her would be exonerated and explainable.

I could hold my head up high when Q came blasting through the gates and pretend I hadn’t broken. I’d found a way to prove I deserved him and his family, all while playing a slippery game of truths and lies.

She thinks I’m a cop.