Page 134 of Coal Hearts

Pinching the bridge of my nose, I slid down the wall and sat on the shower floor.

I can’t...I can’t keep pretending.

Faking shit out there and faking shit in here.

I didn’t even know who I was anymore. Didn’t think I’d ever known because I’d been too shit-scared to be honest.

You could just stay here.

Keep Q’s money.

Keep her.

A blanket of calmness fell.

For a few seconds, I chose that path and felt peace.

I’d give anything to just...be me.

Unapologetically, authentically me.

And if that meant I was the villain, then...

Sighing heavily, I wrapped my arms around my knees. Water kept raining. Thoughts kept racing. Guts kept churning.

I didn’t know what I wanted anymore, but I couldn’t go back down there. I couldn’t face her. Couldn’t pretend to be the good guy for her and the bad guy for everyone else.

Not yet.

I needed time.

Time to remember that this wasn’t about me. This wasn’t meant to be a cure for my stupid rejected heart. This was about them. The men and women who’d been stolen and enslaved.

As long as I put them first, I could stay in the light.

As long as Ily didn’t fight me, I could stay good.

Live or die.

Love or loneliness.

My fate was decided the moment my mother gave birth to a monster.

One of these days, someone would put me down.

And when that day came, I wouldn’t have to struggle anymore.

I could rest.

Alone.

Always alone.

Forever...

Chapter Eighteen

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