Page 248 of Coal Hearts

I’d studied the shapes my mind conjured depending on what part he sliced.

When he cut over my heart, I recognised the flower of life pattern from my pendant Krish had given me. The pendant Victor had stolen.

I’d heard that symbol was revered.

Part of the sacred geometry of energy and accession—portals into other realms.

I’d tried so hard to step into a portal and be gone.

To sink into a meditation and be free of him.

But each time he cut me, I couldn’t escape my mortal body or the burning, slicing agony.

And so, I’d been trapped.

Mindless by a drug that faded but refused to let me go. Imprisoned by cuffs and buckles, completely at Henri’s mercy as he mounted me.

That was where the numbing fog first found me.

Where all feelings and hopes I’d nursed for Henri Ward died a quick and silent death.

Not because he’d transformed into a heartless beast but because the psilocybin chose that moment to do what Peter said it did.

It ignited my blood.

It heated my clit.

It triggered my hurting, horrified body into despicable desire the moment Henri licked me.

I’d hated all of them.

Despised them.

As Henri performed such a sensual act and somehow made it an act of sabotage, I cursed everybody.

I hated Peter for drugging me and leaving me at the mercy of a substance that tore apart my mind before tearing apart my body. I hated Victor for hurting so many and the guards for keeping everyone in-line.

But I hated Henri most of all.

I hated him with the fire of a thousand suns I was named after.

I wanted him dead even as I came on his tongue.

My orgasm was detested and defective with none of the tingling magic of enjoyment.

Psilocybin might have given me sexual sensitivity, but it’d failed at quickening my heart.

It taught me a valuable lesson.

Yes, it could prepare my body for sex.

Yes, it could make me find a biological release.

And yes, it could protect my mind from the pain of unwanted coupling.

But when it came to granting me peace in this hellscape, it failed spectacularly.

I felt empty.