Page 43 of End Of Never

“Whatever you say, Hals.” I wink at her and head outside, dropping the box into Jace’s truck. We spent the rest of the day loading Jace's truck with all my things before heading back to his house to unload.

“Thanks for your help, you two can go back to whatever it is you were doing.” Hayden looks at Jace and me before smiling and waving us goodbye.

Haley blows me a kiss. “Bye bitch.” I wink and walk out, following Jace.

Heading home, Jace pulls across the bridge, “Can you stop here?” Crossing the bridge, a harsh memory hits me— screams slice my throat as sweat takes residence on every inch of my body. I can see the darkness taking over; the light has faded once again. My arms itch as the addiction takes hold, like tiny bugs crawling beneath my skin, pushing me to find it. To find my hidden stash in my parents' house. I can’t stop them. I try to scratch them away, itching my arms, my legs, my neck, willing myself to bleed them away. Quickly, I call Haley. “I– I need you. Please come get me, please.” Before I can say more, Haley tells me to run to somewhere that grounds me, that makes me feel safe. So that’s what I do, I run as fast as I can, and when I get there, I hold on to the rail and pick off the paint that remains.

Thinking to myself, Haley would probably disagree with my choice, but this bridge is where I’m in control. I did as she instructed, running from the craving, the need to feel nothing and everything all at once. The need to give in overwhelms me. I scream into the water crashing beneath me, “No! Stop! Leave me alone! Go away, I don’t want it anymore!” I was yelling at myself, at everything and everyone who led me here. Light beams into my back, illuminating my uneasy state. I didn’t realize it, but I was no longer on the bridge; I was standing on the railing I was supposed to be picking.

“Lilla fucking Lane! Get down right this second, or so help me, I will jump in after you, and I will be pissed!” I grip the tall metal railing supporting the bridge. Knowing she would, in fact, jump in after me, and I can’t let her, because something awful could happen to her. She runs over to me, grabbing my legs. “Get down now!” I slowly work my hands down the rail until they find her shoulders. The moment my arms lock around her neck, my knees give out.

“I am sorry. I–I’m not strong, Hales. Please, let me go. Let me jump. Tell me to jump, tell me off, be mad, you're not even mad! Why don’t you hate me! Hate me, Haley!” I let go of her, now standing face to face. Tears run down her face, as they do mine.

“I AM mad! I AM pissed! I am irate that not only did you break my heart, but you also stole from me, you used me, and you chose this–” Her chest rises and falls with anger, as she runs her hands up and down me, “Over me! You continue to believe yourself to be worthless; you think you need something to numb you? Is that it? I get it, you don’t want to feel the bad feelings anymore, but Lilla, you're numbing all the good ones too. Stop running, stop believing everyone else's bullshit lies, and believe in YOU, believe in yourself as I do. Because after everything you have done. I should hate you, but I don’t. I love you, so fucking much, so no, Lilla, I will not hate you. I will be pissed and yell at you if that is what you need. I will be the biggest bitch on this planet if it keeps you from throwing yourself off this damn bridge, or snorting another fucking white line that leads to nothing but self-destruction and wreckage!” Tears now stream down my swollen cheeks, “Do you love me?” She holds my face, wiping my tears away.

“I love you.” My chin trembles as the truth pours out. “You are the only person I have ever loved.” She wraps me into her arms as tightly as she can, almost as if she is praying this hug alone will make it better, will fix me.

“If you love me the way I know you do, then I need you to be strong even when you want to be weak. This isn’t going to be easy, Lilla. Trust me, the heartbreak wasn’t either. You know what you and my heart have in common?” We release our deathgrip hug. “It is durable, and it can be healed.” She grabs my hand after a firm nod and leads me to her car.

He slows the truck down and pulls to the side of the road. I jump out without warning and walk to the very bridge where Haley brought me back, tears streaming down my face, because two people reminded me I was worth it, and now I can stand here knowing I am worthy. I know now what I didn't know then, I know how to love myself.

I feel Jace walk up behind me, silently standing there, waiting for me to need him. “Tell me something honest.”

He walks beside me, looking at the water rushing under the bridge, pulling the leaves and sticks along its path. “There was a time I was on this bridge alone, waiting for Haley to come save me. My whole body was itching as the withdrawals took hold like tiny bugs crawling beneath my skin, trying to break the surface. She told me to run to a place that grounded me.” A laugh breaks free as I shake my head at the memory, “When she saw me standing at the bridge, she didn't think it was the most appropriate place, given my mindset at the time. When she rolled up, I was standing on the railing. I don’t recall her yelling at me to get down; all I heard was your voice, ‘don’t jump.’” I take a deep breath, because in this moment, I wanted to tell him everything he missed, I needed to.

“I didn’t want your words to save me. I wanted to jump, I wanted to scream at everyone who left me. Those two words saved me every time I got on this bridge. To be honest, I only came close to jumping one time. It was after I was—” I can’t say the words, I can’t relieve that moment, “I was so broken, like the clock on your arm, I believed this life was too long, I had too much time, and I wanted nothing more to lessen my time on this earth; but in the midst of the downpour, your words were like a landmine. Anytime I walked on this bridge, the mine blew. I decided I would not give those who hurt me the satisfaction of taking my life, after they already took so much.” His arm is wrapped around my waist, holding me against him, as I word vomit into the cool air. “So when I say you keep saving me, it is more than the first night, or the fire, it was every time I couldn’t fight, your words took the front line, and saved me. You save me.”

He kisses my cheek, “I will always save you, but you have grown; you no longer need saving, you saved yourself, and that is the hardest thing a person can do. You stand here, stronger than ever, and I am so proud that I get the honor to stand next to you.” With his final words, he steals my words. “You are too pretty to float with the sticks, baby.” His words flow from his mouth into my heart, “Let’s go home.” Home, never had one, not until now.

As we wander to the truck, a car pulls up on the bridge, stopping just as it passes me. The dark-tinted window rolls down, and my father's big, arrogant bald head shines off the setting sun. “Lilla. We were just leaving town. What are you doing on this dirty bridge?” Hate courses through my veins.

“What am I doing? I am saying goodbye to the girl I used to be. To the child you left, the one who didn’t know what it was like to be loved or cared for. I am saying goodbye to the Lilla you think you know, the one who stood here time and time again and wanted nothing more than to end it all. This bridge was more my home than the walls you paid for.” I walk closer to his car, and my mother rolls her eyes in the passenger seat. “I hope one day, when you gather your senses, you leave this wretched woman, and you find the man you used to be. I am so thankful neither of you raised me; what a terrible person I would have been. The silver lining of suffering is I am nothing like either of you, thank fuck for that.”

I jump into Jace’s truck and slam the door. Jace pulls in front of them, and we speed home.

Chapter 36

Jace

Lilla has been working hard since her clinic reopened. I have been picking up extra shifts at the station, so we haven’t seen each other. Tonight, Hayden and I decided to tell our women to get ready so we can take them out for a date night. The ladies got ready at our house, and Hayden and I are getting ready at his. We told them to be ready by eight, because we are going to put Hayden’s dad to bed before we head out.

Hayden and I are both wearing jeans and a collar shirt, his is navy blue, and mine is black. “You guys look nice, sure you don’t want to take me with ya? I’m a great wing man.” Mr. Wilder stands up as tall as his hunched back would let him, making us laugh.

“I don’t doubt that for a minute, Pops, but I think we’re good.” Hayden takes Mr. Wilder back to get ready for bed, while I clean up from his dinner and get everything ready.

Walking to the back bedroom, Hayden’s dad is all tucked into bed, “Alright, we are heading out. If you need anything, call me. Here’s the phone.” His dad looks over and nods.

“You guys have fun. And tell the lovely ladies hello for me.” We say goodnight to him and head off to get our girls.

When we pull into the driveway, Haley and Lilla are standing outside, “Hey, good lookin'.” Hayden jumps out and opens the door for Haley.

Lilla comes around to my side, where I hold the door open, and before she jumps in, I steal a kiss and shut the door behind her. “You look beautiful.” Her curls fall down her back, and her makeup is perfect. She is wearing a gray sweater dress, with black tights, and tall black boots. Her black dress coat is covering the way I know this dress is going to hug her body, and it’s going to take all my willpower to keep my mind and my dick from wanting to fuck her in it.

We head to the steakhouse on Main Street, the only nice restaurant, if you're staying in our small town.

Haley and Lilla loop arms as they enter the restaurant, following the hosts to the far back corner. The dim lighting casts a romantic glow, and the white tablecloths hug each table, candles glowing atop them. Lilla slides off her dress coat, and I can’t fight my eyes as they drop following each movement. Hayden smirks at me and shakes his head. Lilla turns and leans in, “You can rip it off later. Will you hang this up for me?” I swallow hard at her words, because damn do I want to. I hang her coat and take a seat with the rest of them.

The night goes smoothly; the conversation is good, as is the company. Lilla leans back in her chair after finishing her pasta, “So, you two.” She points at Hayden and Haley. “Wanna tell us what’s going on with you, two? After we walked in on you-know-what, there is no more hiding it. It was loud.” A laugh bursts out of me, and quickly, I grab my water to choke down my laughter.