Page 49 of End Of Never

When he feels my hand, his eyelids flutter, woodsy eyes meet mine, and he gives a small smile, lifting just the corner of his mouth. “Hey, sweet girl.” His breath gets shaky, and his hand trembles, “Haley helped me…with something…she wrote what I needed to say… when I could say it…” With each pause, he gathers the air he continues to fight for. I squeeze his hand, an unspoken promise, “I’m so tired, and I’m ready to see…” He lets his hand rest in mine, “... To see my wife.”

“I love you.” Leaning down, I whisper the truest words I felt, the ones I longed to hear, and the words he showed so many of us the meaning of.

Haley whispers while sitting on the other side of the bed, holding his hand, “Please hold on, you can’t leave yet. Please, Hayden needs you; we need you. Please stay.”

His eyes open, looking once more at Haley, then me, his voice soft, words breathless, “I love you all, hug Hay…” His eyes close as his words leave, his breath falls short, giving my hand one small squeeze, my head falls on his chest, and that’s when I feel it, his last breath.

The ambulance pulls up, and Cody comes in with another man I’ve never seen. He looks at Haley and me, giving us a curt nod, before removing Mr. Wilder from the place he has called home for fifty years. We follow Cody out, watching as they load him onto the truck. “I called the Chief when I got the call. He is informing Hayden. I’m sorry for your loss.”

Sitting in the chapel waiting for the guys felt like ages. How can you measure catastrophic time? All time is the same; there are sixty seconds in one minute, there are sixty minutes in one hour, and there are twenty-four hours in one day. However, in a tragedy, the seconds drag, the minutes stretch, and the day seems to go on forever. Waiting here for them felt like an eternity, because we knew something they didn’t. We knew the call they were about to receive, the shattering news, the gut punch of reality, and the hurt of loss.

I crinkle the small paper in my hand that Haley gave me in the car. “You should read it. Mr. Wilder made it my job to pass out the letters; he wrote one for each of us. He said, I would know when the time is right, talk about pressure.” Her voice is bleak as she rubs her hands together before wiping them on her pants. I give her a small nod, remembering my promise. I feel torn to read it now, or to wait, but I have a feeling this moment is the only moment I am going to have alone, because as soon as Jace barrels through that door, I need to be ready to catch him. I need to be his rock, his don’t jump, his reason to stay afloat, and I can’t be weak for that; I can’t falter for him. So, I open the letter slowly, Haley gets up, giving me space to sink into his words.

To Lilla

Sweet girl, how you have changed that boy’s life, and not just now, but then. He has always talked about the girl who got away, the one who saved him, and when I met you that first day, I could see how much he saved you, too. I’m going to give you some advice before I can’t. So listen well, sweet girl, because love is hard, but it is worth it. It will challenge you, it will shake you, but of all the things I know of you now, you will always figure it out, only now, you don’t have to do it alone. Take the challenge, ride the waves, but do all things together. Together in love, together in being pissed off, or hangery, remember to be loud with your love. Be upfront and honest, demand what you need, and give it in return. I am sorry your parents never gave you the love you deserved, but you have it now. The four of you need to lean on one another, help one another, and ground each other, but it’s about to get a little rocky.

Now, I need you to do something for me; keep that boy in line. He’s been a son to me for quite some time now, and this is going to hurt. Let it hurt, let him get angry, let him yell at me for leaving, let him be sad, let him feel all of it, just don’t let him break. It was a pleasure to have you in my life, to take care of this old man, and to love me. One thing I know without a doubt is that your parents missed out on a spectacular girl like you. Keep rising, honey, keep fighting the fight, and what’s Jace say, something like, Don’t Jump?

Love, your favorite old man.

- Mr. Wilder

As tears streamed down my face, Haley was now behind me, rubbing my shoulder as I let my emotions run. There is no stopping these tears from falling, because what a joy it has been to be so loved by him, that he makes me feel this much loss. To love hard is to grieve harder, and damn does it hurt. But for Mr. Wilder, I let these tears stream; I welcome them, because he deserves the liquid love that falls, reminding me of all the love I still had to give him.

Haley sits embracing me in a tight hug, holding me up, because as Mr. Wilder said, ‘the four of you need to lean on one another, help one another, and ground each other, but it’s about to get a little rocky.’

Chapter 40

Jace

While I tend to hurt firefighters from minor cuts to deep lacerations, the team works tirelessly putting out spot fires while the haze continues to choke us out, and the heat radiates from the ground. Cleaning up will be a job all on its own; cleaning this wreckage will take days, and right now, my body is ready to crash.

Chief hollers to Hayden, and he looks at me, nodding for me to follow. We hustle over to the fire truck. “Yes, Sir.” Hayden stands exhausted, catching his breath.

The Chief looks at Hayden, then back at me. Hayden chimes in, “He can stay, anything you have to say, he can be here for, what is it?” I can tell by the shift in Hayden’s voice that he is on edge; each word is laced with worry. He drops his head before reaching for Hayden's shoulder, and I watch in real time as Hayden's shoulders drop; he slowly raises his hand, removing his helmet.

“I just received a call. I’m sorry, son, your father has passed away.”

Hayden’s chin trembles, he rolls his shoulders back, and his words come out shaky, “May I be excused, Sir?” He nods his head at both of us.

Hayden runs to the truck, where I demand he ride in the passenger side. Emotions are high; there is no way I am letting him drive.

Driving to the hospital, there are no words, only sounds. The sound of his muffled cries, the way his body shakes with each fallen tear, is heavy. The weight of his sadness overwhelms any words I could say. At this moment, there is nothing to say. So instead, I sit with him, in this silence that is thick with grief and heartbreak. We sit in the thick of it, feeling every intense emotion as it radiates from him like the rays of the sun shooting down with a vengeance, only this time it is not the sun. It’s rays of anguish shooting daggers into each memory, a yearning that will never be met.

In this moment, the quiet has never been so loud, the sadness has never been so somber, and my best friend has never been so broken.

Arriving at the hospital, I catch the smell of disinfectant. The bright overhead lighting makes me squint as my eyes adjust from the night's darkness to the stark white walls. I talk to the front desk while Hayden paces back and forth, his bunker gear pants rubbing together with each step. “Mr. Wilder?” Hayden turns around, finding the young nurse who walks out behind the large grey double doors.

Hayden says nothing. “This is him.” I stand next to Hayden, being his voice when he has lost his own.

She looks to Hayden, “Sir, you can come this way, and he can come if you would like. There are two women in the chapel waiting for you both.” Lilla. We head down the hall, where the checkered floors bounce the light off, and the white walls turn narrow.

We stop at a small room, where the nurse and Mr. Wilder’s doctor, whom we are now well acquainted with, begin to tell him what happened after Hayden asked me to stay. Starting with the time of death, how he died, and what happens now. Once they fill us in, they lead us to the Chapel, where Haley and Lilla sit in a tight hug in the first pew.

I clear my throat, making them both turn in our direction. Both girls jump up and run into our arms. I wrap my arms around Lilla, “I’m so sorry, I wasn’t there. I’m so sorry I didn’t check my phone. It was a crazy night.” I whisper into her ear so only she can hear. She squeezes me tightly, holding me up, allowing me to have this moment.

Looking over at Hayden, he stands slumped, head down, arms at his sides, while Haley holds him tightly, her small arms barely reaching around him. I look at Haley, who looks exhausted more so than we are, and we’re beat. Her eyes are swollen and red, her skin is blotchy, and her chin trembles. I reach for her hand, releasing Lilla, and give her a soft smile.