Page 107 of The Statistically Unlikely Reunion

“That’s a rather mercenary view on relationships.”

“I’m realistic, and I know the exact ways I’d be an asset to a man like Lucas.”

She doesn’t need to say all the ways in which I’d be a liability.

I smile now because Khloe doesn’t know the half of it, doesn’t know all the ways in which I’d be far more than a deficit on his spreadsheet. Khloe is clearly taken off guard by my smile, and I feel a small, petty thrill of satisfaction. Still, the woman is nothing if not tenacious.

“I’d be far more than decorative. I’ve networks to help Lucas expand, connections that someone of his background might not otherwise have.”

“He’s done well enough without.”

“True.” She smiles, waits a beat. “Except, what do you have to offer him?”

“A megalomaniacal father, a narcissistic mother, rainbow hair, and a lifetime of snark.”

Khloe’s eyes widen, and the urge to do some evil villain laugh is just about irrepressible, but I manage to stave it off. From the corner of my eye, I see Vi returning. I could keep arguing with Khloe, but what’s the point? I don’t believe there’s a parallel universe in which Lucas is dumb enough to fall for Khloe.

“We should get going,” I tell them, a very small white lie. There’s no schedule, and we’ve long since lost Wendell’s group.

Even though my arms ache from how tightly I’m gripping the wheel, and I’m dreadfully uncomfortable with the amount of sand that seems to have set up residence in all my bodily crevices, it’s still easier to drive and listen to music than talk to Khloe.

They’ve cajoled me into a couple of group photos, but sandwiched between the dynamic duo, there’s no disguising that I am shorter, infinitely more awkward, and apparently incapable of smiling correctly. The way Vi and Khloe tilt their heads means their hair tickles me from both sides.

I remind myself this is for Brody before tucking my half-green hair behind my ear and smiling.

There is a wall of text messages by the time we’re done and I allow myself to check.

The Twins

LENO: Lots of interesting pictures out there, Lorelai.

LENO: Does this mean you’re back in the family?

LEVI: More importantly, if Brody and Vi don’t work out, think we stand a chance?

Grad or Die

DAISY: Why are you suddenly an internet celebrity?

GWENDY: I wanted to be an internet celebrity.

DAISY: No . . . you didn’t.

GWENDY: I know, but I needed something to contribute given how exciting all your lives have been lately.

GWENDY: Lorelai? You there?

ME: Rich people r != like us

DAISY: != means not equal, she’s trying to say rich people are nothing like us.

GWENDY: I know that. I might not be all STEM STEM, but I’ve known you guys long enough to know some basics.

DAISY: Sorry

ME: eye != sry

DAISY: But really, why are you all over the internet now?