Page 139 of Pretender

I tell him and show him the watch strap.

“Hmm, I see,” he says.

This conversation reminds me of what Linnea said when we walked through the park.

“Linnea said I deflect. She asked me a question and I started talking about pelicans.”

“That’s something we can work on. You can learn to notice your own patterns.”

“It sounds hard.”

“You want to fix your relationship, and you say you struggle to communicate when it turns uncomfortable, and you seek an outlet to silence painful thoughts. I commend you for being here in the first place.”

“Thank you?”

“You should thank yourself.”

“And my friend who put this into my head last night.”

“You’re the one who booked in the appointment and walked through that door.”

“Look, my mum’s getting married this weekend, and Linnea might be there. What do I do before then? I won’t have time to come back here before.”

“Addressing a potentially lifelong pattern isn’t an overnight change. But my approach is practical. We’ll talk some more today, and I’ll give you homework.”

“Homework.”

“Yes. I want you to take note of when something makes you uncomfortable. When you get the urge to joke or turn it around on something else, stop and reflect on it. Try to say the thing that is hard to say. Or just tell them you’re struggling to find your words. You can say, ‘This is hard’, and that could be enough. Especially if you’re talking to someone you love. They’ll understand.”

“Right. Okay.”

“And we need to talk more about the thoughts you want to silence. The feelings about your father. You can learn to sit with pain rather than push it down or redirect. It’ll help you heal. This is a process, Aiden. How does that sound to you?”

“Torturous.”

He just stares at me. Tough crowd.

“It sounds good, Dr Carter,” I add. “Thank you.”

Sitting in my office for the second time in a few days, I stare at the ugly couch. Somehow this is where I ended up after my therapy appointment. Perhaps I’m subconsciously punishing myself.

I send Linnea a text and scroll up through the last couple of days.

I miss you

Please talk to me

I want you. Only you. Forever.

Hey, me again. Saw a therapist today. I want to learn to talk about stuff. Not to deflect when things are hard. I want to tell you about my dad and why I freaked out. I hope you’ll give me another chance, Linnea. I can’t imagine life without you.

I stare at my screen when my phone buzzes.

I couldn’t either, until last night. Now all I imagine is a life I already lived and I struggle to see past it.

“FUCK!” I slam my phone down on the desk. I have some work to do.

CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE