Page 140 of Pretender

pretending

LINNEA

The phone is warm in my hand as I sit on my reading chair, my legs curled up under me. Jamie and Sophie have been discussing back and forth for maybe ten minutes after I went through Friday’s events.

I didn’t tell them how I sat in the hallway with my back to the front door for five hours straight. Hearing Aiden’s voice so close and not giving in to the nearly overpowering need to open the door and have his arms around me again was the hardest thing I’ve done.

“You said it yourself, Jamie. If he’s got anything in common with Henry—run.”

“I know I did, but is it really? Did he mean it like ‘you’re being too much’ in the way Henry used to, do you think?”

“Not the exact words. He said I exaggerated. Told me to calm down. He reached out for me and I got scared…” They’ve heard it three times now, but I need to go through it.

“Hmm,” I hear but not sure from whom.

“But he didn’t actually touch me. He was trying to connect… He looked mortified, but the whole situation hurt too much.”

I’m mumbling the last bits, talking more to myself. Am I making excuses for him?

“Why didn’t he fucking quit the sex club? Seriously?” Sophie asks, throwing up her hands.

I shake my head, the lump in my throat forming again but I push it down. Work today was fucking hard, but I’ve done this before. Pretend like a normal day. No one needs to know. No questions asked. I’ll keep pretending until it doesn’t feel like there’s a hole in my chest anymore, and then it’ll be fine. I can do this.

At least I didn’t see him today. I’ll work with Venetia and Gertrude until Wednesday, and then I have to go to Devon. I promised Amara I’d help out. After Aiden’s devastating string of messages yesterday, I finally dared ask if he’s told his mum.

No. I was hoping we could talk and there’d be nothing to tell. I won’t give up on you, Linnea.

I’ll see you Saturday morning? I won’t make you stay over if you don’t want to. There’ll be a driver nearby.

“Linnea?” Jamie pulls me back into the conversation. “Where did you go, love?”

“Did I share Aiden’s messages from yesterday?”

“Yes.”

“Oh.”

“Another good point,” Jamie says. “He’s taking action. Going to therapy? That’s fucking fantastic.”

“What do you want to do, Linnea?” Sophie asks.

“Crawl into a hole and disappear?” I laugh but it’s clearly fake. “I wish he had chosen me. Wish it never happened. I’m head over heels for him. I was, no, I am. I don’t know.” I breathe in, my throat closing up again. Jamie and Sophie are quiet, waiting for me to recover. “I owe it to myself not to make the same mistake again, right? What if—five, six, seven years from now, nearly forty-five years old—I have to deal with another devastating breakup? If Aiden hurt me like that, I’m not sure I’d survive it.”

When I say it out loud, it rings even truer. I rub a hand on my chest, as if it would soothe the pain.

“It’s all different with Aiden, I love him s—” My voice cracks and I can’t say another word. I sob hard, and drag in a long, rasping breath that’s stuck in my throat and sob again. It takes minutes before I can breathe properly again. Jamie and Sophie are still there, their eyes wet with tears for me. “Fuck,” I whisper. “And I still have to go to Devon. I have to see him again and pretend we’re together, and I’ve no idea how.”

“Oh bloody hell. Why?”

“For Amara. I can’t ruin her wedding day.” I clear my throat, my voice slowly returning to normal.

“I think you should talk. What you had—have… I want to say have—it’s unlike anything I’ve seen you experience,” Jamie says.

“You should talk to him, for sure,” Sophie says. “But he has to have a fucking epic explanation, right? Let him tell you, let him beg on his knees for one more chance,” she says. “And if it’s good enough, only if it’s good enough, if it’s fucking mind-blowing, maybe you give him that chance.”

“I don’t know what to expect. He’s not going to change overnight.”

“Don’t expect that from him,” Sophie says. “That wouldn’t be fair. But expect him to try fucking hard. Expect him to fight for you. And call us anytime, okay? Day or night.”