Page 165 of Time To Learn

34

Kristian

Watchinga person die from a terrible disease is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, and yet, here I am, being witness to it for the second time in my life, and I feel utterly helpless.

It doesn’t matter that the man lying in that hospital bed abandoned me and Mum all those years ago. I’m not an angry teenager anymore, and while I missed him the first couple of years, the fact of the matter is that I’m okay. The lack of anger is a bit surprising, perhaps, but who gives afuck?

When a dying person’s last request is to see you, you set aside your old pain and come running.

Maybe I’m a fool for doing it, but as I sit here in the hospital, counting the seconds until my father’s breathing will cease to rise again, I don’t regret answering his call. I only wish we’d had more time together.

Time. There’s just never enough ofit.

“Kristian, love?” Mum’s voice breaks my hard stare at Dad’s thin form as he lies on his side, his hand loosely clasped inmine.

“Hmm?” I blink, willing the scratchiness to go away, but it’s nouse.

“You’ve not slept at all since you came,” Mum whispers, running a hand through my hair. “Don’t you think you should get a bit ofrest?”

Shrugging, I raise my eyes toher.

“It doesn’t matter. I’ll sleepwhen…”

Unable to say the words, I grit my teeth and look back at the man that’s practically a stranger tome.

“I know,” she sighs and sits down on the chair next tome.

We sit in silence for a long time, neither one of us willing to leave his side. Finally, Mum breaks the silence by clearing her throat.

“I almost didn’t phone you about Lasse,” she whispers.

I turn my face and frown.

“Whynot?”

She looks down but I twist in my seat to tuck her long, blonde hair behind her ear. I don’t want her to hide fromme.

“Come on, Mum.” I try to twist my lips into a small grin, but it feels like I can’t get my mouth to work properly. “Tellme.”

She takes a deep breath and I feel a pang of grief in my chest, pinning me down, when her grief-stricken eyes meet mine. Slowly, she raises her head and slumps back in the black hospital chair. She looks as exhausted as Ifeel.

“Because I didn’t think I would be able to see him like this—so devoid of life, unlike the man he used to be—and a part of me wanted to protect you from seeing him, too.” She blinks and dabs at the tears on her chin. “I’m your mother, and no matter how old you get, I want to protect you from harm. It’s part of my job description.”

“It’s okay,” I murmur and lift my hand to rub soothing circles on her back. I smile at her before I look back at my dad. “Despite the fact he wasn’t part of my life for so long,” I sigh, “he’s still my father.”

“Thank you,” Mum whispers. I shrug when she puts her hand on my shoulder. “No, Kristian, please look atme.”

I do as she asks, but my attempt to keep the tears at bay are in vain. Being here brings back memories of Rose—her battle against leukaemia—and the exhaustion mingled with the finality of the situation are just too much to take. Mum frames my face and wipes them away with her soft hands just like she always did when I was a child.

“It means a lot to him. He’ll be able to rest in peacenow.”

I take a shaky breath and nod before turning my head back to him. I stop counting the seconds, but never tear my gaze away from him. His hand twitches in mine, making me squeeze it just a little bit tighter. I hope he can feel I’mhere.

“You’re going back to Scotland, aren’t you?” Mum asks methen.

A twinge of a different kind of sadness pierces my heart.

“I shouldn’t be surprised you’ve already worked that out, I guess. You’re right, though.” I wet my lips and offer her an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry, Mum, but…my home is there, now.”