Page 29 of To Follow her Heart

“No. Not always. For a brief time, I thought… I hoped, perhaps….” He shook his head in irritation. “Never mind.”

Mr Baxter frowned at this and they rode on in silence for a moment. “Have you never asked her what changed?”

Jasper rolled his eyes with impatience. “Of course I asked her, but I never could get her to explain, and now… now it all feels….”

Too late. It felt too late, as if any chance he’d ever had was slipping through his hands like the finest grains of sand. No matter how tightly he held on, they kept falling away.

“I thought I’d lost Kitty,” Baxter said. “Trevick and Derby between them threatened me with all the dire things they would do, until I was so bloody terrified I couldn’t think. I believed it was hopeless, but she never gave up. She’s so much braver than I am. So bloody reckless,” he added with a laugh. “I hadn’t lost her at all. She was there all the time, waiting for me.”

“Because you both feel the same,” Jasper said, wishing he’d kept his mouth shut. Talking about it only made it worse, made him see how impossible it was. “I can’t make Ha— her love me. I can’t even make her like me, when the mere sight of me makes her furious.”

Baxter frowned at him. “The sight of you?”

Jasper nodded. “I need only enter a room and her face darkens. She can appear perfectly content and laughing, and the moment I appear it all goes away. It’s a talent of sorts, I suppose,” he said bitterly.

The young man had fallen silent and was studying Jasper, and to his infuriation he felt a tinge of colour stain his cheeks. What the devil had he been thinking, confessing such a thing to a complete stranger?

“That’s a strong reaction,” Baxter said, disregarding Jasper’s embarrassment. “So, she’s certainly not indifferent to you. Do you know what happened? Was there an incident, something that precipitated her change of heart?”

Jasper’s jaw tightened. He wished he could take his confession back. It was pathetic enough, this mooning for years on end after a woman who didn’t like him, let alone want him, but at least no one had known about it.

“I’m sorry, I ought not pry,” Baxter said, sounding apologetic. “None of my business.”

“I kissed her.” He blurted the words out as if he was a ten-year-old admitting to stealing cake.

“Oh.” Baxter looked wretchedly uncomfortable now too, not that Jasper could blame him. Good God, how mortifying. “And… she was unwilling?”

“No!” Jasper exclaimed, stung by the suggestion. “Not in the least, but… but the next time I saw her….”

Everything had changed. She’d been stiff and formal, as cold as ice, and he’d never been able to comprehend why, or what he’d done. What had happened between the time he’d left her—all smiles and blushes—and seeing her again? She would never tell him, never give him an explanation, and Jasper was all at sea.

So many times, he’d wished he’d never kissed her. It might be easier, not knowing what perfection tasted like.

“Perhaps you need someone to intercede on your behalf,” Baxter suggested. “Someone to discover the truth. I take it… I mean, is she here, now?”

Jasper frowned. It was bad enough having Baxter know of his unrequited passion for a woman who thought him an imbecile, let alone being around the object of his devotion and having an audience.

“Yes,” he said, though the reply was unwilling.

“Does Kitty know her?”

Jasper turned to look at Baxter who smiled at him. “There’s no better person to have in your corner than Kitty Connolly, my lord. I can vouch for that.”

That was true enough. Jasper had seen and admired her bravery, her spirit and strength and, above all, her loyalty and determination. Not to mention, she thought well of him for having supported her. If anyone could get to the truth, maybe even put in a good word….

He was clutching at straws and he knew it, but he didn’t care. He would have to marry soon and do his duty by the title. An heir and a spare was ingrained into every nobleman as the very least expected of him. Spending the rest of his days with anyone but her, though, the girl who knew and loved Holbrooke just as well as he did….

“I need to know who it is,” Baxter said, giving him a reassuring smile. “I can promise you neither of us will tell another soul. Though… I’d lay money Kitty already knows. She’s very observant.”

Jasper scoffed at that. “Impossible,” he said as the idea that he’d given himself away made heat crawl up the back of his neck.

He hesitated, drawing his horse to a halt and taking a moment to look down at the vast building that lay before them, the same view they had admired earlier. Jasper wouldn’t give it into the hands of a woman who wouldn’t care for it and love it like Harry did. He couldn’t give his heart to someone else either, not when it had been hers for so long.

“Your word of honour, Mr Baxter, you’ll speak to no one else but Miss Connolly and you’ll ensure that she holds her tongue? I have no wish to become a subject of pity or ridicule.”

“My word, Lord St Clair, though I should be honoured if you’d call me Luke.”

He nodded, giving a smile which felt strained, as if it was fraying about the edges. “Jasper,” he said, by way of reply. “Very well. I… I would appreciate it if Miss Connolly could make some… discreet enquiries on my behalf.”