Page 36 of To Dance with a Devil

Bonnie turned to look at him, and fixed a smile to her face. The poor man was sacrificing his future to marry a girl he’d never wanted, and to saddle himself with a child he didn’t want either, not yet anyway. The very least she could do was look pleased about it.

“Are you all right?”

“Of course,” she said, forcing her voice to sound bright and cheery. “We’re to be married. I’m the happiest girl in the world.”

Chapter 13

Dear Jasper,

I thought I’d best write and tell you at once. I’ve gotten myself into a dreadful fix, just as you warned me I would. There’s no getting out of it, Jaz. I’ve been such a bloody fool…

― Excerpt of a letter from Mr Jerome Cadogan to Jasper Cadogan, The Earl of St Clair.

30th October 1814. Holbrooke House, Sussex.

They travelled to Holbrooke House the same day and were married the following afternoon. Jerome was everything that was kindness and charm and Bonnie did her utmost to be her usual self. She ought to be happy. It was everything she’d ever dreamed of. She was marrying the man she loved, and they had a child on the way. It would be the beginning of the big happy family she’d always longed to be a part of. Yet, how could it be? How could their family be built on love and happiness when Jerome didn’t want her? Not as his wife, at least. She was unsuited to his life, she knew that. His interest in her had been an aberration; she’d been a novelty among all the slender blondes who’d captured his heart as she’d failed to do. Even all those prettier girls hadn’t been able to hold him for long, but at least they’d had his love for a short while. He was famous for falling in love at the drop of a hat, yet he’d never fallen for Bonnie. Not even close. It wasn’t as if she hadn’t been given the chance, either. She’d tried and failed, because she wasn’t what he wanted.

If she hadn’t come along, he’d still be free and enjoying life. Once his wild oats had been sown, he would have settled down with a charming young lady who knew how to entertain, to please his mama and make him proud when they were out in public together. Bonnie couldn’t do that. She was too loud and uncouth. She was too much in every sense. Even her body was vulgar. Her curves were the generous proportions desirable in a woman of easy virtue, the kind you tumbled and forgot about, not an elegant lady you made your wife.

Bonnie struggled to imagine attending dinner parties with him and making polite conversation instead of putting her foot in her mouth. She tried to imagine a life where he wasn’t always on edge, waiting for her to say or do something outrageous and put him to shame.

She’d seen the letter he’d written to his brother. Oh, she hadn’t meant to snoop, but she’d come across it, the top section not properly folded over, and she’d seen the opening lines. She’d not pried further; it wasn’t as if she needed to read any more. It was nothing she hadn’t known.

There’s no getting out of it, Jaz. I’ve been such a bloody fool…

Her heart constricted.

“Come on, wife,” Jerome said, snapping her out of her thoughts. “I want to have my wicked way with you.”

He leered at her like a theatrical villain and she laughed, for what else could she do? He was trying so hard to be kind, to act as though he wasn’t sorry, as though he wished he had never laid eyes on her.

“You’ve hardly eaten a thing,” he said, looking around at the lovely spread the housekeeper had put out for them. They’d set the poor woman on her ears, arriving as they had and announcing their imminent marriage. Bonnie had done her best to ignore the stares and the whispers from the appalled staff. She knew what they thought, and they were right. She’d trapped him. Perhaps she’d not meant to, but she had, and so now she must bear the gossip.

“I’m not hungry,” she said, pushing her plate away. “It’s been such a lovely day and I’m too excited.”

His expression softened, and he took her hand. “Truly, love? I know it can’t have been what you dreamed of, but it seemed like the best thing to do. If you conceived the first time we….” Bonnie smiled to herself as a tinge of colour rose to his cheeks. How funny to see Jerome blush, of all people. “Well, the thing is, that’s over six weeks ago and I’d rather not make things too obvious.”

“Oh, I think they’re quite obvious enough,” she said and then looked away as his smile faltered. The words had sounded far more bitter than she’d intended. Oh, Lord, she must watch her mouth. Whatever happened, Jerome must believe her wildly happy. He’d sacrificed so much for her; it was the least she could give in return. “But didn’t you say something about having your wicked way with me?”

She flashed him a naughty grin and got to her feet, running from the room. He caught her before she made it to the door, pulled her into his arms, and kissed her.

Oh.

At least there was this. Perhaps as long as this fire blazed between them he wouldn’t regret every aspect of their marriage. She hoped it didn’t fade too quickly. Bonnie melted into his embrace, truly feeling as though her bones had become molten with desire.

“Oh, Bonnie,” he breathed, kissing a path down her neck before returning to her mouth. “Oh, love. I’ve thought of nothing but this, of you… since the last time we were together. God, how I missed you.”

Bonnie closed her eyes against the prickle of tears. How good he was, how sweet and kind to say such lovely things. He sounded so sincere she could almost believe him. Almost.

There’s no getting out of it, Jaz. I’ve been such a bloody fool…

Jerome broke away from her, breathing hard. “We need a bed,” he said, a devilish glint in his eyes now. “It’s our wedding night and I’m not about to scandalise the staff by having you on the dining table, and I shall if we don’t get a move on.” He grabbed hold of her hand and towed her from the room, pulling her towards the staircase.

Bonnie laughed and ran after him, wishing with all her heart that he was as happy as he pretended to be, but if he could pretend, then so could she. She would pretend to be happy, pretend to be the perfect wife and mother, and pretend she didn’t know that her husband regretted marrying her, and his family were ashamed of her. There were worse things, she was sure. Only right at his moment, she couldn’t think what they were.

***

Dear Jasper,