Page 19 of The Ghost

I felt closer to Theo than I’d ever felt to Ryan. Ryan was my first real relationship, and coming from Mr. Ashcroft’s estate into the CIA, I didn’t think it was possible. Ryan had taught me that I could be a woman as well as an operative, but he wasn’t nearly as supportive or caring as Theo.

But what was I supposed to do now that he was back? Did I need to break up with him? I felt like I was missing a huge chunk of information that would allow me to proceed. If Ryan was lying about where he had been, why? Why would he pretend that he was incapacitated when he wasn’t? Or was the reality worse than a Russian prison, and he just wanted to spare me the details?

I stepped over the tray I had dropped and went to the door. Z followed me, concerned.

“Are you going to eat?” she asked.

“No,” I muttered.

“Do you want to talk?” she continued.

“No,” I repeated.

I didn’t need a girlfriend at the moment; what I needed was some actionable intel. Maybe Z could have helped me with that, maybe not, but for the time being, I felt dead inside. I just wanted to get as far away from other people as possible. An iceberg adrift in the Artic Sea would have been perfect.

“Clark!” Z objected as I pushed past her and out the door.

I had to force myself not to run, to avoid looking suspicious in the eyes of all the other people in the cafeteria. Thankfully, I didn’t pass anyone in the hall. With no other option for privacy, I returned to the bunk that Theo and I shared.

Darting inside and slamming the door, I pressed my back against it in sheer panic. The more I thought about the situation, the worse it seemed. I’d promised Ryan that I would marry him. I was thoroughly convinced that I would go through with it and spend the rest of my life by his side. Should it matter that I thought he was dead for years? Wasn’t I obligated to give him a second chance?

My relationship with Theo flashed before my eyes. He was so kind and helpful. I remembered all the times he’d cooked for me, how he had my back in the field and how his hands felt on my hips. I would be devastated if he left me. We were bound closer than Ryan and I ever had been.

Theo and I were planning to retire to a private island together. It was the only thing that kept me moving sometimes, the shared dream of sunbathing in the nude and sipping on Mai Tais. It was only Theo who featured in those dreams, no one else. Ryan and I had never discussed a life outside the agency. We were killers together, heartless agents who were devoted to our cause. With Theo it was different; I felt free to be myself.

Tears pressed through my defenses, streaming down my face in the privacy of my own room. I hated them. They marked me as weak. But the emotional toll of seeing Ryan again was undeniable.

I wished I could approach the problem with the clinical eye of a trained operative. But my heart was far too invested. It was all I could do to keep breathing, to maintain some semblance of a living, breathing human being. Damn Ryan for showing up again. I almost wished he was still dead, but I knew that wasn’t fair.

I should be pleased that he’d survived. I should be thrilled that he hadn’t perished and that I could give up my quest for vengeance. But I’d already given it up. Over the past few weeks as I grew closer and closer to Theo, Ryan had become a distant memory. I’d put down the heavy burden I’d carried for so long and welcomed thoughts of the future.

And now that was over. I would have to return to the automaton that I had previously been, pick up the threads of my engagement with Ryan and say goodbye to Theo. That thought was so painful, I didn’t want to face it. No, Ryan was the one I had to dismiss. But how? He was recently returned from the dead. It wasn’t fair to dump him so soon after being reunited.

My stomach tied itself in knots. I couldn’t see a way out of my dilemma. Life was so much easier before I had feelings. I had Theo to thank for that, but I couldn’t blame him. I loved who I was when we were together, and I would do anything to safeguard our future. Damn Ryan. Damn him.

I flopped onto the bed, remembering how Theo and I had used it so thoroughly the night before. I felt like a teenager in some kind of stupid drama, crying into my pillow. The strength of the emotions that swept over me caught me off guard. I would almost have preferred physical torture. At least then I could set my jaw and spit in the face of my attacker.

I must have cried myself to sleep because I could feel my breath evening out. I closed my eyes, and a moment later, Theo was beside me.

He crouched at the edge of the cot, his hand between my shoulder blades. I blinked sleepily, wondering if I was dreaming.

“Hey,” he rumbled.

“Hey,” I responded, sitting up.

I rubbed my eyes, not wanting him to know I’d been crying. Despite the fact that I was all worked up over losing him, I didn’t want him to see. He probably thought I was some kind of wonder woman, unfazed by whatever life threw her way.

He also probably thought that I would have no problem brushing Ryan off. That wasn’t exactly the case. While I would definitely choose Theo over my former fiancé, explaining that to Ryan wasn’t going to be easy.

Theo shifted, sitting down on the cot next to me. I stood up immediately, wanting some space. For a moment, I considered dumping both of them and throwing myself into the fight against New Dawn. At least as a single woman, I wouldn’t have to bear the burden of their needs. I wouldn’t have to pick one person to disappoint; I could disappoint all three of us.

“We need to talk,” Theo said, standing back up.

The room was so small, there was only about six feet between us even with my back to the wall. I crossed my arms over my chest, the universal signal for stay away. Theo didn’t listen. He came right up to me and put his hand beside my shoulder. I was locked in, forced to meet his eyes.

“How are you feeling?” he asked.

“Fine,” I replied, feeling anything but fine.