Page 72 of Hearts at War

“Screw this,” I eventually said when the cabin got too dark. I couldn’t sit here all night, stuck in a haze after all the ups and downs of this afternoon. Standing, I turned on a light. Then another. And another. The brightness helped to jar me out of overthinking everything. I showered and dressed in warm pajamas.

I got into bed and tried to sleep, but I couldn’t reduce the negative noise in my mind until I got up and typed Roarke’s number into my phone.

I wouldn’t take him up on his offer. Asking a man to save me, to rescue me, or to defend me still felt a lot like indebting myself to him. Independence could be a good thing, but in the wake of being controlled by a man who’d used a “favor” as the beginning of the process to control me, I was right to be nervous and cautious.

But he’s not David.

Roarke is not David.

It would take more time to train myself to lighten up and having some small hope that good men were out there. The whole world couldn’t be terrible. A balance between villains and victors made sense, but I wasn’t ready to put myself on the line and risk believing that I could find someone who wouldn’t ultimately hurt me or control me.

In the morning, I woke from a terrible night of sleep. I tossed and turned, torn from resting well with strange dreams. Then when I was up, I struggled to let go and fall back asleep, too keyed-up and wired to think and dwell. Then to think and dwell some more. After that, analyzing and wondering worst-case scenarios.

I got up though, yawning and praying that coffee would boost me to look half-alive.

On the drive into town, toward the bank for work, I passed the spot where Officer Marty had pulled me over, and just like that, I was reminded of why I’d been speeding, why I’d been so out of it to break the law like that.

David could be here. That alone sparked me into being more alert. I couldn’t look out for him and truly be on my best guard if I wasn’t fully awake and paying attention.

When I arrived, Fergus offered to get coffee for me.

“I was totally running late this morning and didn’t have a chance to make coffee,” he said in the office.

“What about using the Keurig?” Janelle said as she breezed through the open space where he moved the most as the teller.

“We’re out of K-cups.” He rolled his eyes. “I’ve got twenty minutes before we open. Anyone want me to grab something down the street?” He smiled and tugged his fur-lined gloves back on.

“I’ll go with,” I told him. “I think a little walk would wake me up.”

“Yeah, you’re looking like a zombie there.”

I shot him a dirty look.

Nance gave us her order, and since we were going, Janelle added hers on too. In Chicago, everything was delivered and such. And no one would ever pitch in for group coffee orders like this, taking faith the others would pick up the tabs when it was their turn. That was one good thing about the small-town life, I supposed.

“Why are you so tired?” Fergus asked once we walked outside. “Busy night?” he added on with a naughty smile and elbow to my side.

“Not like what you’re suggesting.”

“You’re not seeing anyone in town?” he asked.

I shook my head. “I’m...not available.”

“Ah.”

Except, I temporarily made myself available last night. On impulse. And it felt so damn good.

“Well, it’s not the toy drive that’s stressing you out, is it?”

I frowned at him. “The toy drive?” I dismissed him with a wave. As we walked down Main, we passed one of the small posters that described the county-wide effort. Donations could be collected all through Burton, and that collection process was one of the tasks with the toy drive project Janelle had given me.

“I had to handle it last year. Nance and I both did. It’s stressful!”

“How so?” I huffed. “It’s just another form of keeping tabs on money.”

“Just watch. People get so finicky about it here. Like they’ll assume something is off. I feel like it’s just that community spirit, where one bad seed rots and makes everyone else assume something has to be wrong, just because they personally aren’t in charge.”

I shrugged. “I’ve got experience with people around here assuming I’m up to no good. As long as Janelle thinks I’m doing the right thing, that’s all that matters.”