Page 62 of The Trip of a Lifetime

‘Don’t worry, love. Let’s treat ourselves to coffee and then get to the bus station. We can pick at those pastries we pinched from the breakfast buffet.’

The car pulled away and the driver performed a large U-turn which meant they drove right by us.

‘Smile,’ I breathed. ‘And wave. And hope they get a flat tyre.’

There was a slightly smug smile on Harrison’s face which actually made me want to laugh but Sam looked as alarmed as Erin did. I smiled and waved and then they were gone.

The bus left on time and we settled back in what were actually quite comfortable seats. Certainly more plush than the last bus. We had our coffees and slightly squashed pastries and Noah, of course, joined us.

‘No more getting left behind on this leg,’ he said to Erin with a guilty smile.

‘Don’t worry, I won’t,’ she said. ‘Plus, I’ll bet you got loads of jigsaw practice in.’

‘A bit,’ he said. ‘Seriously, though, we’re all really sorry that happened to you both. We got such a bollocking from further up the food chain.’

‘That’s exactly what Gaz said.’ I smiled at him sympathetically. I could only imagine the telling off they all got.

‘It won’t happen again.’

‘I really didn’t mind. Sam was lovely,’ Erin said and she looked so wistful, I wondered if something had happened between them. The look on her face said that yes, it might well have done but she quickly turned her attention out of the window. I was in no position to make any comment but still, I couldn’t forget how hurt she was after his behaviour when they first met. These men and their ability to wound us. And perhaps we only had ourselves to blame. Leaving ourselves open to hurt. Time to toughen up, perhaps.

Then, just before the bus pulled away, the doors opened and Femi and Liz got on.

‘Fancy seeing you here,’ Femi said with a grin and they sat down behind us.

‘Did you see that Sam and Harrison got a lift?’ Erin asked, turning to talk to Liz.

‘Yeah, but I heard the driver say she could only take them as far as Kenora,’ Liz said.

Erin grabbed the map and opened it up.

‘But what will they do then? Will they be able to get a bus?’

‘Why do you care, Erin?’ Liz said. ‘You haven’t gone all soft on Sam, have you?’

‘No,’ Erin mumbled.

‘No, of course not,’ I said, jumping in to help her out. ‘We just want to make sure they can’t get a bus, that’s all. Hopefully they’ll get stuck in Kenora.’

There wasn’t much conversation after that on the journey to Thunder Bay and the Trans-Canada Highway seemed never-ending. Road and trees, lakes and rocks, on and on and on and on. We crossed over into Ontario and Erin busily made notes in her journal.

‘That’s our fifth Canadian province now,’ she said. ‘Only two to go.’

I really hoped our budget would stretch; all these buses were costly. It had set us back $650 to get to Sault Ste. Marie and we still had further to go to Toronto and then down to Niagara Falls. Then I remembered the tracker and the money belt and my promise to give them to Erin. I undid the belt and slipped it out from underneath my jumper. I thought about handing it over with the tracker and about how difficult it would be to relinquish that control. I let it sit in my lap for a moment.

I could easily imagine a therapist picking this apart. I fully understood it myself.

You had no control over your daughter’s illness and consequent death, Martha. It terrifies you to think of what you might lose if you hand over control of anything. If you can keep it in your grasp then nothing can go wrong again.

But this wasn’t true. It was precisely because I hadn’t handed over control that Erin had been left in the middle of nowhere without the possibility of calling for help. I reached down into my bag, pulled out the tracker and together with the money belt, I handed them both to Erin.

‘If I’d have done this sooner, you wouldn’t have had to spend the night with Sam,’ I whispered.

I was goading her a little, of course I was, but she didn’t bite. She just took them both from me and secured the belt around her waist. The tracker she slid into a pocket on her rucksack.

We arrived in Thunder Bay just after 11.25 and then got off to wait for the connecting bus. Femi and Liz disappeared and I did wonder if there was a better alternative but we’d made our plan and decided to stick to it. Then at 12.30 the next bus arrived and we had the long haul of the night bus again.

Erin and I slumped against each other to sleep but we didn’t get a lot more than intermittent dozing. By the time we fell off the bus at 9.35 the following morning I was ready to find a hotel and to get some much-needed sleep. I felt drunk and disorientated.