Page 77 of The Trip of a Lifetime

‘We’re off to our accommodation once the ladies get here,’ Harrison said. ‘Apparently, they’re not too far off now.’

‘Ladies?’ Erin said. ‘Hmm, one of them might be.’

Harrison looked at me with amusement but I didn’t bother to enlighten him at that moment. There was a lot to unpick about Priya.

‘Do you want to come and look in the museum?’ Erin asked Sam, and he managed a look that said both no and also yes at the same time.

‘I think he might tolerate the museum to spend some time with Erin,’ Harrison said once they had gone.

We sat for a while with no one bothering us. The view was pretty, out over a large pond with the landscape fairly flat. The map told me the sea was just beyond but we couldn’t see it from where we were sitting. The camera crew and producers were gathered together nearer the museum, chatting, and all, despite their relative youth, looking pretty exhausted.

‘The pace of this trip hasn’t really afforded us the time to reflect much, has it?’ Harrison said suddenly.

‘Hasn’t it? I’ve been reflecting quite a bit, actually. There have been a lot of hours on buses to think about… things.’

‘Any particular things?’ he asked with a sparkle in his eye.

‘I’ve been thinking about a sense of place in relation to my thoughts,’ I said, although I wasn’t really sure if I knew exactly what I was trying to say.

‘You wish your daughter were on this trip with you,’ he said simply. He’d cut through and got right to the heart of it. That was Harrison.

‘I wish it for her,’ I said. ‘I have Erin, who I honestly adore. I wish it for Clare, not so much for me.’

‘You know you will always feel like this,’ said Harrison. ‘And you know, that’s okay. It’s not wrong to feel the way that you do. You’re not grieving incorrectly.’

He put his arm around my shoulders then and I instinctively looked up to see if either Erin or Cally or Noah could see.

‘Who cares,’ Harrison said, knowing why I was looking. ‘Surely at our age we can do whatever we want.’

‘As long as you’re happy for it to be beamed into the living rooms of most of the UK,’ I said.

‘I forget we’re on a TV show sometimes. We’ve been away from home for so long now that this feels like my new reality,’ he said.

‘God forbid.’

He chuckled and we fell silent but he didn’t remove his arm and I was glad.

‘I had a heart-to-heart with Erin,’ I said a while later. ‘We told each other some truths about how we were feeling.’

‘It’s different for her,’ he said.

‘She did love her mother,’ I said, as if he’d been privy to our conversation and not wanting him to think Erin didn’t care.

‘Of course. I just mean, we’re programmed to lose our parents at some point in our lives. We know that’s the way it’s supposed to go. For some it’s too early, like Clare. But we’re not supposed to lose our children. No one should suffer that.’

He pulled me closer then and I had to control my breathing. How easy it would be to lose myself completely, right here on this bench, right here in this garden.

Then Cally was walking over to us and I straightened up. Harrison didn’t let me go, but he put a little more distance between us.

‘Priya and Tara have just turned up,’ said Cally.

‘Oh, goody,’ I said, and Harrison laughed.

‘Are you okay, Martha?’ she asked.

‘Yes,’ I said. ‘Just having a moment.’

‘I understand,’ she said, ‘and I bought this for you. I heard you say it was one of your daughter’s favourite books and I know your budget probably won’t stretch to keepsakes, but I thought you might like this.’