Page 41 of A Bookish Story

He nods. “Over thirty years and still madly in love.”

“Really?”

“Don’t sound so surprised. Divorce doesn’t run in families like genes for eye and hair color.”

“I know.” I chuckle. “Plenty of couples stay together for decades but are miserable. It’s just…the in-love part surprises me.”

“Sounds like a good thing, right? Instead, they set me up for unrealistic expectations. Do you want to know how you stay in love for over thirty years?”

Naturally, I nod. Doesn’t everyone want that?

“You ignore your children and stay in your own little world with each other.”

“That’s not the best way, I’m afraid.” I shake my head.

My parents never ignored me and I never got the idea that they wished for time away from me. Devoted to each other, rather than ignore me, they put me at the center of their love. It’s one of the things I miss most about my childhood. When I was between them, they were a cocoon for me. Rather than feeling squeezed I felt utterly and completely loved. I can’t imagine a world in which they would have ignored me for each other.

“It worked for them. My brother and I were like accessories. You get the older one to watch the younger one. I bet they only had children because they were expected to reproduce.”

“What do you mean expected?”

He sighs. “More soldiers for the spiritual battle. Basically, we lived in a cult for the first few years of my life.”

“If that’s a joke, it’s not funny.”

“Cult is too strong a word but we were raised in a highly regimented religion. They raised us in a micro world where love was merit based. The better you obeyed the rules, the more you were loved by your family, and ostensibly, God. I didn’t manage well, so I wasn’t very loved.”

My heart pinches imagining a little boy who went unloved. I don’t know if there’s much worse. My family has often been my salvation when it feels like nothing is going my way. It’s the one place where one should feel accepted.

“It sounds like you made your own way.”

“It took a while, but I found my tribe at college. I don’t have much to do with my parents anymore, but I’m close with my little brother. And he’s still close with them. What about your parents?” Ryan asks.

“Theirs was a great love story. There was never anyone else, could never be anyone else. It’s what I want someday. I think that’s why I started reading and writing romance. That amazing love story, the once-in-a-lifetime love.”

“How did they meet?”

“San Jose State University where my father was studying when my mother arrived from New Jersey. They met, love at first sight, and married young. My father died when I was ten and she went off the rails. Maybe it was her chance to do everything she’d wanted to do while they were married. So, she dumped me off with my father’s family and went off to audition for acting roles. She was actually pretty successful. After that, I only saw her about once a year when she or I visited. She remarried.”

My heart is a raw and pulsing beat remembering those empty years when she chose Seb over me. I push back the tears with the pads of my fingers. I’m too old to feel this hurt but maybe Ryan and I have more in common than I realized. I have Sofia, Eddie, and Abuelita but I don’t have a real mother. Not one who listens to my heart, who accepts me for who I am, who dries my tears.

Ryan is still looking out at the ocean as if he thinks he’ll find the answer to the mysteries of the cosmos.

“I’m sorry about your father,” he says. “And I think when you really love someone, you’re not going to hold them back from their dreams. You’re not going to chase them.”

I wonder who he means or if he’s talking about himself.

“So,” I say. “Since you’re not going to share those sales numbers yet, I have something to say.”

He turns to me, but dark shades conceal his expressive eyes.

“I saw you this morning at the coffee shop with a woman. She’s pretty, but if I can give you a bit of unsolicited advice…it’s not a good idea to get involved with someone when you’re on the rebound.”

“Rebound? It’s been three years.” He cocks his head and there’s the hint of a smile and amusement laced in his voice.

“Yes, well, maybe a long-distance relationship is not the best idea, either.”

One corner of his mouth quirks up. “You’re right. After all, you’re the romance expert.”