Page 97 of A Bookish Story

There’s zero hesitation. “You should. He made a mistake.”

I wish he’d tell me I shouldn’t. I wish he’d tell me that he clearly is the one for me. We have everything in common. We’re so right together that everyone can see it. Even Millie sees it!

He simply stands and adjusts his glasses. He isn’t taking them off in front of me any longer. No male idiosyncrasies here. Sure, Ryan does find me attractive, that much we’ve established. But true love is another matter entirely. Love is something far deeper when it grows like wildflowers, which thrive even in the worst elements as long as the soil is rich. Ours is merely a powerful physical attraction. No one can build a life on that alone. If that’s all a couple has, there’s always going to be someone else waiting in the wings. Been there, done that.

I nod. “Okay, I’ll do it.”

I’m halfway out the door when I hear his voice again. “That’s all it takes?”

“What do you mean?”

“Face it, you weren’t waiting for me to say it’s okay. You wanted permission from someone, and I’m here to give it. This decision should come from you no matter what anyone else says. So, yes, if you once loved him or still do…give him a chance. Second chances are one of my favorite tropes.”

My heart aches, but I almost smile at the reference. “You are such a romantic.”

“No, I’m a realist.” He smiles, his eyes tipping down at the corners, giving him his eternally sad look.

“Really?” Anger flushes through me. “Is it because you can’t see yourself as someone who any woman in their right mind would choose?”

“No. I don’t need you to choose me. Damn it, when will you listen? It was just a book.”

But I see a wounded little boy who felt responsible for his family’s happiness for so many years and might still feel that way. There’s a grown man who is stuck in the belief he doesn’t deserve to be happy because that’s the message he was given early on. He’s making the choices he’s always made even when they’re no longer serving him.

For years I also believed I was “too much” and worked my entire life to be easier to love. Easier to swallow, by cutting myself into smaller pieces. I know this is the way Chris sees me. He doesn’t see the woman I’ve become since he’s been gone.

Ryan sees me and I feel safe with him. Safe enough to leave nothing unsaid.

“You want to know what your problem is?”

“Too many to list.” Ryan opens the bottle, pops another pill and slams it down with some water.

I point to him. “You can’t see yourself the way others see you. It’s easier to fall back into old habits than take a risk. Easier to be a grump than open up your heart and love someone.”

“I’ve taken plenty of risks.” He scowls. “Most of them didn’t take me to a good place.”

I would say the book was the exception but now I see it was Kate who took the risk. Kate who saw what a gem the book could eventually become, unlike anything Ryan had previously written.

“I agree some people are not worth the risk. But some are.”

A moment passes between us, filled with empty words and unexpressed thoughts. On his part, I’m sure.

I take several steps toward him and kiss him on the mouth, hard. I’m careful not to hurt him but I kiss him with everything I have. I kiss him like it’s the last time I’m ever getting this chance. Without Ryan, I would have never found the best parts of myself.

Ryan is kissing me back, and it’s another one of those kisses where I’m lost. I fall into him, forgetting anyone or anything else. We’re forgetting ourselves, forgetting rules, forgetting everything that doesn’t fit into this moment.

He’s the one who pulls back. “Go.”

“But—”

“I told you I’m not a saint.” He runs a hand through his hair so hard his glasses shift. “I can’t do this with you right now. I know what it feels like to be betrayed.”

“So do I.”

He nods, acknowledging this truth.

It’s another one of those little things that connect us. Both of our exes came crawling back to us after breaking our hearts. Ryan is not interested in reconnecting with his, and neither am I. But he knows me well enough to see right through me. He won’t give us half a chance until he knows I’m done with Chris.

And I am. I just have to prove it to myself, and to him.