Page 47 of Topped

“I… I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Norman. And I don’t know what’s causing it either. Half the time I’m fine and then sometimes I get this weird tightness in my chest, like a knot or something is resting on it. It comes and goes too. At first, I thought it was simply anxiety, and maybe it is, but I don’t even know what I’m anxious about. Part of me thinks it’s about Milo because I still have no idea what we’re doing, and I’m not sure how long any of this will last. I mean, we spent months antagonising each other and now we’re having dinner together three nights a week, we have a list of films to watch, and he’s sleeping in my bed. And I still don’t understand why.”

I sighed and took my glasses of, digging a cleaning cloth out of my pocket to wipe the lenses. Not because they were dirty but more because I needed something to do.

“You know, I’m not sure we’ve ever really talked about the summer,” I continued. “About why we were so terrible to each other. We’ve not talked about what changed either. One day we were at each other’s throats, and the next he was helping me bring boxes in and unlocking the door for me. None of it makes any sense. And I guess… I wonder… what if he gets bored of me? What if I’m nothing more than a passing hyperfixation he’ll move on from in a few months? What if this is nothing but a vague amusement to pass the time? What if one day I wake up and he’s decided he’s bored and that’s it?”

“What would that feel like, do you think? If it happened,” Norman asked softly, not meeting my eyes as he carefully slotted chocolates and little bottles of sweets into the box.

“It would hurt,” I said, looking at the jars of sweets on the wall but not really seeing anything except vague shapes and colours, the neat text on the labels all blurring into one.

“Why?”

“Because I like him. But… But it’s more than that, I think. I don’t want to be thrown away like I meant nothing. Like all of this didn’t matter. I don’t want things to go back to the way they were, especially without a good reason.” The words were heavy in my mouth, but as soon as I said them, I felt something simultaneously tighten and relax in my chest.

I put my hand on my sternum, almost doubling over as I gasped, my eyes suddenly prickling with tears. The reaction felt ridiculously dramatic and I tried to push it away, straightening up and letting out a long breath. I couldn’t bring myself to look at Norman, afraid of what I might see in his gaze.

Would he judge me for this? Probably. I would if I was him. I must have looked ridiculous.

“Do you think that would happen?” Norman asked, the sound of rustling filling the air as he added more shredded paper to the box. And when I glanced over my shoulder, I realised he wasn’t even looking at me.

“Perhaps? I don’t know anything about his past relationships or why they ended. He hasn’t really mentioned anything.”

“Did you ask?”

“Of course not,” I said. “Why would I?”

Norman hummed and I wondered if I’d missed something. “Did you mention any of your exes to him?”

I shook my head. “No. Not that there’s much to talk about, at least not recently. Besides, I’m not even sure why half those relationships ended. The only reasons I ever got were we weren’t a good fit, they were moving away, or they didn’t want a relationship. Not exactly enlightening.”

There was a good chance that most of those were casual, surface-level excuses given to me to avoid a deeper conversation, but I’d decided long ago not to speculate on other people’s reasons for dumping me if they weren’t willing to be honest. That way lay madness.

But maybe that’s why I was getting so worked up now?

I couldn’t bear the thought of Milo moving on with his life and leaving me behind without giving me a reason. Because how could I go on knowing the deepest connection I’d ever felt meant nothing to the man I’d forged it with? If this was nothing more than a game to him, a way to pass the time over the winter, then that would destroy me.

I didn’t want to be used and thrown away. I wanted to be loved.

I needed it, craved it, right down to my soul.

Just the idea of being rejected was agony, the potential hurt making my bones ache and my skin feel like it was splitting apart. Even the thought of it made it feel like my heart was being ripped from my chest, my stomach lurching as if I was constantly two seconds away from throwing up.

Rejection, perceived or real, had always been painful for me. But this? This was an entirely new level of torment.

“Have you talked to Milo about how you feel?” Norman asked and I shook my head.

“No. I can barely even admit my feelings to myself. How can I talk to him about something I’ve only just figured out?”

Norman looked up at me then, sadness crinkling his face. “You know you don’t have to have all the answers first, don’t you? It’s okay if you’re still working things out, Rupert, as long as you talk to him.”

“But what if… what if I talk to him and he rejects me? What if he doesn’t want me? What if he tells me this means nothing? I couldn’t bear it, Norman. I… fuck!” My chest tightened impossibly, tears stinging my eyes again as I gasped, suddenly choking for air.

“Oh, darling.” I heard Norman moving and two seconds later felt his warm, wrinkled hands enveloping mine, squeezing them tightly. “It’s okay to be scared. Being vulnerable is terrifying.”

“It hurts, Norman. Oh god, it hurts so much. And it’s not even real. Not yet.”

“I know.” He squeezed my hand again. “It hurts to put yourself out there, to let someone shine a spotlight on you and see all the parts of you that you dress up and hide from the world. But you have to be brave, Rupert. You have to let him see you, all of you. Even the ugly things you’re afraid of. Because you are beautiful, and you deserve someone who loves you just the way you are. I know it’s terrifying, trust me, I know. But listen to an old queen, it will be worth all the agony when you realise you’ve found someone who wants every part of you. Okay?”

“How can you be sure?” I asked, clutching at his fingers and sniffling. I hated crying, especially all the annoying extras that came with it, like a horribly snotty nose.