Page 64 of The Twilight Garden

Cat strode towards her, pulling her into a hug. ‘Hey… let’s not be too hasty.’

Gemma leaned away from her, staring at her in surprise.

‘But I thought you were going to hate me. Was Abby really cross?’

‘Apoplectic… It was quite funny, really.’ Cat smirked. ‘No, that’s not fair, but it does make a change for someone to get one over on her – it’s usually the other way around. She threw her phone at me a couple of weeks ago, so I’m quite pleased to see her taken down a peg or two.’

‘Wait… what? Abby threw her phone at you? Why didn’t you tell me? There are laws to protect you against that kind of thing.’

Cat shrugged. ‘Because I didn’t want you to think badly of her, just in case you ever did need your job back. But mostly because it doesn’t matter.’ She took both Gemma’s hands. ‘I’m not like you, Gem. I don’t care as much as you do. And I’m not a fighter either. I know I said I’d move to the coast and open a tearoom given half the chance, but I didn’t mean it, not really. I don’t have the gumption.’

‘So whatever happened to finding out what you’re capable of?’

Cat gave her a wry smile. ‘It’s a great idea in principle, but in reality I know I’m a settler. I know what Abby’s like, and I’m only too aware of the sacrifices I make by working at Mayfield Dawson. But… I have Joe, and that makes everything possible. You know how hard it is to be grumpy when you’re with him – he’s so laid-back, he’s practically horizontal. We have our life together, which I love, and with him I’m able to put work into perspective. I really don’t want anything else.’ She pulled on Gemma’s arms. ‘It’s not the same for you, however, so come on, let’s sit down and you can tell me what sparked your revolt.’

It was a good question. And while it was true that it had been a reaction to her surroundings, to the blatant manipulation Gemma had found herself at the centre of, it was mostly because she’d realised how scared she was. Scared that it would be all too easy to slip back into her old way of living, moving from one stress-filled day to the next. She would have money enough to do pretty much whatever she wanted, but she’d be back to eating food out of boxes because she didn’t have the time or energy to prepare anything better; back to spending any spare time she did have in a lethargic stupor, feeding herself a diet of mindless entertainment and scrolling endlessly through her social media feeds. But for what purpose? There was no purpose. It was existing, not living, and she had become too used to feeling alive recently to give it up so readily.

She was aware that she had felt like a fish out of water when she’d first arrived at the farm, but even though she had felt a little lost during those first few days, she hadn’t particularly hankered after her old life. If it had been so great, why hadn’t she missed it? If she was to accept Abby’s offer, on the other hand, she would miss Thistledown with every fibre of her being. She would long for its space and simplicity, for days when rest was well earned, when food was something to be enjoyed, when conversation took priority over time spent staring at a screen. And as soon as she had realised both those things, her foot had come down hard on the brake.

‘I think I was flattered at first,’ she said, after they were settled in the kitchen with a drink. ‘And relieved. That was a big part of it. That my life had a safety net after all, and all I had to do was jump and let it carry me back to the ground. But the longer I listened to Abby, and her desperation, saying things I knew she didn’t believe, the more I realised that this wasn’t the perfect opportunity to slide back into my old life, but it was the perfect opportunity to see things for how they really are. To understand the things which matter in my life and to make the right choices.’ She dropped her head. ‘I think I like the person I am now better than the one I was before.’

Cat smiled and rubbed Gemma’s arm. ‘I like you both the same, but I understand where you’re coming from. And I can see some changes in you…’ She wrinkled her nose. ‘Maybe even some which are a teensy-tiny bit overdue.’ She took such a big swallow of wine that Gemma was a little apprehensive about what she was going to say next.

‘I am so proud of you, girlfriend, you know that. What you’ve been through, there aren’t many of us who would have coped with it, let alone come out the other end smiling…’ She paused. ‘Which is why, far from being angry with you for rejecting your old life, which incidentally would have meant sharing an office with me—’ She held up her hand. ‘I’m very pleased indeed to hear you say what you have.’ She stopped again, twirling the stem of her wine glass round in her fingers. ‘I’ve been wondering whether to tell you this, but, in light of what’s happened, I think now might be the perfect time. It’s a confession as much as anything…’

A flicker of unease woke in Gemma’s stomach as a series of ridiculous notions began to parade through her head.

‘I said this just before you moved to the farm, when we talked about you having blinkers on, do you remember? That your horizons had narrowed. Not a criticism, and absolutely understandable, but I think over the years you and your mum became so close, it was almost as if you were the same person. And…’ She broke off to wince slightly. ‘Your mum’s take on everything became yours. You know how much I loved June, but you said yourself when we were talking about Leo that perhaps you spent most of your married life looking at your relationship from the wrong point of view. And if that was true when you were married, it was certainly true when you weren’t. You’re finding your own feet again now, and importantly, you’re finding yourself. Sing your own song, Gemma, you have a wonderful voice.’

Gemma stared at her for several long seconds, as tears began to well at the corners of her eyes. She didn’t know what to say, not because she was angry with Cat for saying what she had, but because she knew she was right. She could see that now.

It had started when her dad died. Because what else do you do when your world falls apart and you think there’s only one person left in your life worth clinging to? You hang on. She had blamed Leo for his death, had pushed him away, had chosen her mum over him, and decided that she was the one who would be special in her life from that point on. And you tell yourself that, as long as you have that one person, everything will be okay. So a small thing like allowing that person to think for you, well, that doesn’t matter one tiny jot, does it…?

‘I’ve been so stupid,’ she said, sniffing.

Cat’s arms were around her in an instant. ‘Oh, darling, you haven’t been stupid. You were grief-stricken. Your dad meant the world to you and your mum. Who doesn’t go a little crazy during times like those? And the way he died, what happened with Leo… it was awful. I’m lucky I’ve never had to deal with anything like that – I wouldn’t even know where to start. So you did nothing wrong. And you certainly weren’t stupid. But you did lose yourself, little by little, over the years.’ She swiped a tear from the end of Gemma’s chin, her own face wet with emotion too. ‘And I’m just so happy you’ve found yourself again.’

‘I don’t know what to say. You never said anything…’

‘No, I didn’t, and now I know how wrong that was. But you wouldn’t listen to any criticism of your mum, however mild, and I understood that. It was just you and June, together against the rest of the world. But what started out as a lovely close relationship eventually became something of a prison. You depended on each other for everything, but you also let her live your life for you, perhaps because you believed so much of hers had been lost. I didn’t have the courage to say anything, to be the one to blame for tampering with something you thought was perfect. So I did the only other thing I could do – what I believed a best friend should do – I told you what I thought you wanted to hear.’ She closed her eyes. ‘Not such a great friend after all, was I?’

‘Oh, Cat…’ Now it was Gemma’s turn to provide comfort. ‘You’ve been the best friend. I know I made it impossible for you to say anything, but you didn’t just tell me what you thought I wanted to hear; you stayed close, making sure I was okay, dealing with the fallout from decisions I made. And you’ve done it for years. Think of all the things which have happened since those early days when we first met, sharing an office at Mayfield Dawson. Both young, incredibly naive, but we clicked from day one, and what followed has been a lifetime of shared experiences, a certain amount of drunkenness, mainly from you I might add, but an incredible amount of laughter, too. It was the only thing which made rejecting Abby’s offer hard – knowing that I’d be losing out on being back with you again. We might not be sharing an office in the future, but that won’t put a dent in our friendship. I don’t think anything can.’

Cat dug out a tissue from her trouser pocket and wiped her nose. ‘God, look at the state of me.’ She smiled. ‘And speaking of that future, what are you going to do now?’

‘I don’t know,’ replied Gemma. ‘I want to go back to Thistledown. Except I don’t know how to make things right. I don’t even know whether Willow and Rowan would let me.’

‘But you have to try?’

Gemma lifted her chin. ‘I have to succeed,’ she said.

Cat raised her glass in a silent toast.

After a moment, during which the two of them sat in silence, letting the dust of all that had been said settle gently around them, Cat checked her watch, groaning when she saw the time. ‘I haven’t even thought about what we’re going to eat tonight, and Joe will be home in half an hour. What do you fancy? The fridge is stuffed full.’

‘Then you should go and relax while I cook us something,’ said Gemma. ‘Go on, take your wine into the living room and put your feet up. My treat.’ She grinned. She knew exactly what she was going to cook. It was the dish that Rowan had made for her the first day she arrived at the farm.

Gemma smiled as she assembled ingredients in a line across Cat’s kitchen work surface. It was hard to analyse exactly how she was feeling, but relief was perhaps the emotion which occupied the biggest space. Even when Cat had revealed what had been burdening her, Gemma had felt no anger, no reproach. What she had felt was free. As if the act of finally naming what she had known all along had released her from its spell. It had been a difficult day. The hours she had been alone before Cat arrived home had felt like some of the longest in her life as she wrestled with doubts about her actions, chastising herself and revisiting every word she’d spoken over and over. But all that had now fallen away, leaving peace to take its place. And a sudden burst of energy.