Page 44 of Oblivious Roommate

I think.

Why is this so hard when I hang out with him every day without a hint of stress?

Last night changed everything and I’m not sure if I’m ready to face this new reality.

“Which alcohol won? I barely remember.” I can’t look into his gorgeous eyes anymore.

“I can think of a winner…” Cassian’s pretty, dark rose lips whisper as he moves closer to me. Is that his breath I feel on my shoulder? The cold turns it into vapor, as if it were a dragon next to me, not my best friend.

“Oh? Snacks? Did we have snacks? Cause I’m hungry.” My toes curl and all I can think of is that I probably have hickeys. I’m a nervous wreck when I should be ecstatic.

Cassian’s hand lingers on my shoulder before dropping off as he pulls away. By the time he speaks, he’s out of the car, and I can no longer see his face. “I’m sure you have something at home,” he says after a moment’s pause.

I want to grab him, pull him back in, but instead I just sit there, frozen and brainless. I don’t know how to act around my best friend anymore, don’t know how to address what we did, how to discuss the feelings I don’t know how to name, and it sucks. Sucks so bad I’m on the verge of tears.

Why did I have to be so horny yesterday? I should have waited and done things right.

“Do you have water?” I ask in a lame attempt at conversation. As if anything between us can be normal again.

Cass replies with a question of his own, tapping his fingers on the roof. His Adam’s apple bobs, moving under stubble-dusted skin. “Are you saying you got blackout drunk yesterday?”

I clear my throat but my mouth is just as dry as before. “Um… Didn’t you? It was a lot of alcohol mixing…” I know it’s cowardly of me to do this but I’m terrified of confronting our situation and desperate to sweep it under the rug.

Maybe that way we could have a fresh start in a bit? I could make sure Logan’s out of the picture, invite Cass to a nice restaurant, dress better, wash my teeth…

Or I’m delusional.

Has the reality of being gay hit too close to home? I’m ashamed that could be the case.

He stays very still, and for a moment his chest is motionless, as if he’s stopped breathing. I’m about to say something when he shuts the back door and opens the one by the driver’s seat.

“No, it wasn’t that much booze,” Cass says in a toneless voice as he drops into the seat.

I know it’s bad when he starts the car, because he usually cares too much for my safety to let me ride without a seatbelt. Let alone lying down.

“I’m sorry, my head hurts,” I mumble even though there’s only a tingle of pain under my skull. I try to catch his gaze in the rearview mirror, but he’s frowning and looking everywhere but at my reflection.

“Maybe try to get some sleep then?”

The temperature in the car keeps dropping.

I need to fix this.

I need to fix this!

I pull a jacket over my head, searching my mind for ways to talk about what happened. He’s my Cass, my best friend. I don’t know how to treat him as a lover. And it’s not like he’s my boyfriend either, because he’s Logan’s.

I hate Logan more than herb liquor.

What would I even say?

‘By the way, I loved you sucking my dick’? ‘Be mine forever and let’s spit in Logan’s porridge’?

I’m left voiceless, and when the car rolls forward, I lie back down, wrapping the sleeping bag tight around me. At least this way, I can pretend this is only a bad dream.

A part of me worries that he knows I’m acting, that maybe he’s offended I haven’t said anything about his blowjob skills, but as life-changing as the sex was, I can’t stand knowing that he still belongs with someone else.

I don’t even know if he wants-wants me.