Page 25 of I Love You, It’s Ruining My Life

Jack was silent for a long time, and for once it seemed like he was actually considering what I had to say. I wasn’t putting it all on him; there was plenty Noah and I needed to work on too. But at the same time, I could see how badly my twin wanted this — I’d expected this conversation to be him trying to brush away his behavior with jokes and pretending as if nothing happened yesterday. But it was clear Natalie and Stef and this guy, Matt, had broken him, and I wasn’t sure if I was relieved or not Jack could finally see it in himself.

“Kam, I don’t know where to start,” Jack whispered. “Every time I try to get better, I get worse. Every time I try to fix things, I break them more. I don’t know what to do.”

“You don’t have to do it by yourself,” I quietly assured him. “Every time I’ve tried to help you, I’ve either said the wrong thing or haven’t been able to convince you that you need it. But it’s never stopped me from wanting to help you, Jack. I just needed you to actually say yes.” He wiped the tears from his eyes, looking at me with more pain than I realized he’d been carrying. A pain that made him almost unrecognizable.

“Why?” he quietly asked.

“Because we’ve always been in it together,” I said with a sad smile, “From the moment we were born, it’s been you and me.”

“We’re pretty bad at the whole twin thing,” Jack chuckled, and before long we were both laughing at how true the statement was. Most people considered twins to have such a close bond that they were practically telepathic — and Jack and I’d never been that way.

“We still have time to figure it out,” I smiled once we settled down. “We can still attempt to do the twin thing, even if it doesn’t feel like it now.“

And despite how horrible everything had been, for the first time in years, I actually believed it might be true.

Chapter nineteen

Nalini

The Terminator

Hey

I know we haven’t talked since Thanksgiving, but can we meet up?

I’d been expecting this message since I’d packed Jack into my car, but it’d been two days since Thanksgiving, and my gut was telling me I was about to lose our friendship again. Jack, thankfully, hadn’t been a nuisance or gotten me banned from The Inn-Between. But I had no indicators of what was going on. I didn’t know if Jack was getting help or if Cassidy was okay. I’d written so many texts to Kameron, only to delete them instead of pressing send. Everything felt like the wrong thing to say, and I knew we needed to talk in person.

I was being a coward. I was avoiding a long overdue conversation with Kam. And I knew that was the source of my dread.

Kam was going to have questions, questions I’d been avoiding for fifteen years. Questions that would’ve been easier to answer fifteen years ago, when everything was simpler. Everything was so much more complicated, between his marriage, grief, and my baggage. I was sure Jack hadn’t actually picked up on the fact my crush had returned; he was just being spiteful. But that didn’t make this conversation any easier.

I was all nerves, and after I texted him my address, I jumped to my kitchenette and started pulling out ingredients.

It’d been a long time since I’d stress baked, but I was jumpy, nervous, and desperate to do something with my hands. It was hard to tell where this was going, and the idea of losing Kam again after I’d finally accepted how badly I missed him felt like a cruel twist of fate. Even if it wasn’t likely. Probably. Maybe.

I knew a relationship likely wasn’t in the cards for us, and I knew I still wanted him in my life. They were my feelings to manage, mine to work through, and I didn’t want to put them on him. I instinctively started mixing almond flour and condensed milk before adding in the saffron and cardamom. The barfi recipe was my grandmother’s. I’d stolen it and a few other family recipes when my Mom kicked me out, but this one I’d made so many times I had it memorized. It was easy. It was fast. It was fragrant enough to calm me down. And by the time I’d put the pan in my fridge to set, I was finally starting to feel like myself again.

Only to jump when I heard the knock at my door.

I looked down and realized I was covered in almond flour, and definitely didn’t look like the picture of being put together this conversation probably needed. I debated running and changing clothes, but it was cold outside, and I didn’t want to leave him waiting.

I wiped my hands on my pants, and leaving a floury, smudged handprint on my thighs, I tried to hide how frazzled I looked as I opened the door. It was somewhat reassuring to see Kam looked as bad as I felt: dark circles lined his eyes, his hair seemed flat, and I was pretty sure he hadn’t slept since Thanksgiving.

“Hey,” I said, attempting to give a weak smile as I let him in.

“...Barfi?” Kam asked, taking a few seconds to place the smell, “Stressed about something?”

“A lot of things actually,” I said, attempting to be a good hostess and taking his coat… only to realize I had nowhere to put it and left it on the chair next to Sylvie’s tank. Kam did a double take as he looked into the little world I’d meticulously made for my snake, as Sylvie lay asleep, curled up on a branch under her heating lamp.

“This is the snake?” he asked, taking in her pearly white scales before shuddering. “And you’re really just cool with it being here?”

“Sylvie is harmless,” I shrugged, smiling at my scaley baby, “Unless you’re trying to sleep. Sometimes in the middle of the night, I hear a giant thud, and I have to remind myself that ball pythons are clumsy and it’s not a burglar in the apartment.”

“Wow, somehow you made having it even more terrifying,” Kam said, sitting down on the very edge of my couch, which I immediately noticed was the one place in my tiny living room he wouldn’t be able to see Sylvie.

“How’s Jack?” I asked, sitting down next to him on my couch, my legs folded like a pretzel beneath me.

“Not great,” Kam sighed. “ I think he finally had the wake-up call he’s needed for…” he trailed off; it was clear Jack had been struggling for a long time. I had no idea if this was a widely known problem, or if Kam had been holding onto this secret for years. I probably should've unblocked everything about RaineFall once Kam and I started talking so I’d actually know these things — but there’d been a peace in finding out what we’d missed naturally instead of me being in the know of all the celebrity gossip.