Page 26 of I Love You, It’s Ruining My Life

“Yeah… It was hard seeing him like that,” I admitted. “I’m not sorry for throwing water in his face, though. I wish I hadn’t wasted perfectly good coffee on you and thrown it on him instead.” Kam looked at me for a moment before bursting out laughing at my admission. His giggles were contagious, breaking through the awkward tension that’d been building from the moment he walked through my door.

“I came to apologize,” Kam finally said after containing his laughter, “For everything Jack said.”

“Why are you apologizing for him?” I asked. “The only person responsible for what Jack said is Jack. He should be the one here taking responsibility, not you!”

“I know, and I think he knows that, too. He’s just… checking into rehab right now,” he explained, “They’re taking his phone, it’s a whole thing. Hopefully, once he’s done, he’ll actually apologize to you. I know my apologizing isn’t what you need. And Jack needs to take responsibility… I just… someone had to say something, because the way he talked about you was unacceptable.”

“And the way he talked about you and Julia was fine?” I pointed out, “I gave up on ever getting any kind of apology from Jack a long time ago. I hope he gave you one.”

“He did,” Kam admitted, and I was surprised at the pang of jealousy in my chest. Maybe I hadn’t quite given up on an apology after all. “He tried to apologize to Cass too, but she wouldn’t let him. In fact, she wants nothing to do with him right now. I can’t exactly blame her; a lot of what he said went over her head, but…”

“She understood enough,” I nodded, “I get it if you need to distance yourself from me for her sake. She’s your daughter and your priority.”

“What?” Kameron asked, shaking his head in confusion, “That wasn’t what I was going to say at all! Cassidy doesn’t blame you either, by the way. She’s a little confused, but she’s been worried about you. Both of us are. I never realized how much Jack hated you, both after you broke up and now.”

“Well… he’s got a good reason,” I sighed, curling myself into a ball, “A lot of what he said was true. At least when it came to him. I did have a massive crush on you in high school, and I did stupidly date him to try and make you jealous. He figured it out, and that’s why our breakup was so nasty. I owe him as much of an apology as he owes me; we’re just both too stubborn to actually do it.”

For the first time, it was all out in the open. That while Jack might've taken it too far, while the song had ruined my life, I’d understood why he’d done it — even if I refused to talk about it. Most who asked about it didn’t need to know, and those who did? It was embarrassing to have messed up that spectacularly, even though teenage me hadn’t thought it through. Kameron’s eyebrows furrowed together, and I was positive he was mentally reframing everything from when we were younger. How I’d managed to be both completely obvious and secretive throughout high school. Why Jack had been willing to sabotage me in the first place. Not to mention my feelings were so contradictory when the song first came out. Some days, I felt like I deserved it for playing with Jack’s feelings. Other days, I was desperate for Kam to see how I was struggling and rescue me from the situation. It was a perfect storm of teenage immaturity, heightened by the media latching on to the brothers with all their might.

“That’s why Jack immediately jumped to that conclusion,” Kameron finally put together, as if it answered a question he’d wanted to ask, “he assumed you still had feelings, and since Julia died…”

“Kam, you’re my best friend and…”

I didn’t get to finish my sentence as his lips suddenly were on mine. Kissing Kam was like a breath of fresh air after having been underwater for far too long. His lips were soft and gentle, and the butterflies that'd always been in my stomach exploded as my hands instinctively grasped his curls. For one brief moment of bliss, I let myself have everything I’d ever wanted.

And then, as much as I hated it, I pulled away.

Chapter twenty

Kameron

I’d kissed Nalini. And she’d kissed me back.

Neither of which I’d predicted happening when I first left for her place. The plan had been to apologize for Jack, let her know I wasn’t mad, and leave. It was a conversation I knew needed to be done in person — but something clicked when she explained what Jack said was true. I wasn’t mad; we were teenagers, and all of us made stupid decisions. But there was something in the way she was talking that made me wonder… what if it wasn’t just fifteen years ago? The more I was around Nalini, the more I couldn’t imagine living life without her again.

Nalini hadn’t put me back together. She hadn’t picked up the shattered pieces of my heart and fixed them. Instead, she’d given me space to process as I put my heart back together on my own and reminded me I was allowed to feel everything — and that was much more important than any cliché romantic gesture.

I’d just told Cassidy if someone came into my life, it'd be different, I’d hesitated with her, not realizing that maybe that was my heart’s indicator and my brain was still catching up to. And then Nalini called me her “best friend,” and it’d felt wrong. Like there was more to us than just friendship. That at some point since I’d moved back, things changed. And for a second, everything felt right in the world.

And then she’d pulled away.

“Kam,” Nalini gently said, and I could tell she was trying to phrase her words carefully as she untangled her fingers from my hair. “If we’re going to try this, I need to be sure it’s not just because of what Jack said, or because you’re lonely or missing Julia. And I’m not just saying this because of what happened at Thanksgiving. You’ve had a rough couple of years, and for both of our sakes, I need to know you’re in the right mindset before we both get hurt.”

Despite her saying all the right things, I was embarrassed as I went back to my side of the couch. I could feel how hot my face was, and could only imagine how red my cheeks were. It stung like rejection, even though it wasn’t one. It felt too strong, while I hadn’t even planned on kissing her today. Thoughts of Julia and Jack were at war in my mind… and I had too many emotions going on at once. Good and Bad. Guilt and Hope. Fighting against each other as I realized that some of what Jack said might've grafted my emotions together into a mess I couldn’t interpret. Not yet.

Which meant Nalini was right: if I couldn’t even figure out what I was feeling, if this made me feel confusion at Julia’s absence so strongly — I had no right kissing her in the first place.

“It’s not a no, okay?” she assured me, wrapping me in a hug as she rested her head against my shoulder. “It’s a chance for you to make sure this is actually what you want. Otherwise, it’s not fair to both of us, and I don’t want to lose you again. And if it means you’re only my friend, I’m okay with that.”

“Thank you,” I whispered, surprised to feel the heat of tears stream down my cheeks. It’d been a long time since anyone had fully seen my grief and hadn’t pressured me to move on. I’d focused so much on Cassidy, I clearly needed to focus a little more on myself. And while it'd been a long time since Julia’s being gone felt like the most devastating thing in the world, I needed to make sure my head was on straight before I could pursue anything.

Did I think it might be? Yes. But was I sure? No. And until I could answer the question, I agreed with her. We’d have to reexamine everything that just happened once I had my head on straight.

I wasn’t sure how long we sat there in silence. I wasn’t sure how long I cried. It was hard to explain the invisible pressure to “get over it” so I could focus on helping Cassidy. And it was even harder to explain the contrasting pressure that stated I should never get over it, and instead should be drowning in grief forever.

“Why don’t you tell me about her?” Nalini suggested, and the words poured out of me like water. How I’d met Julia by accident backstage at one of my concerts, and I’d literally bought a ticket to the Olympics that night to go support her in person. How everyone had hated we’d gotten married at 21, even though we knew it was right for us. She was the most creative ice skater I knew and planned her own routines. How she could light up the room with a smile, how she hated cooking and loved doing the dishes while blasting music so loud the walls shook. How she’d set herself up as an ice skating coach when she was pregnant with Cassidy, and loved it more than she did competing. I talked about her favorite colors, her favorite books, her morbid sense of humor.

“I wish I could’ve met her,” Nalini said when I was done, a sad smile filling her face.