Page 20 of Open Net

Olli took her place at my bedside. “Doing okay?”

I nodded. “Yeah.” I felt shy around him all of a sudden. Uncertain, and frankly scared. Could he tell how wrong I felt? Could he already tell I was a terrible mother? The thought of disappointing him was like another weight stacking on top of me.

“Do you want me to ask everyone to leave? Are you feeling tired?”

I was past the point of exhaustion, but I didn’t want everyone to leave. That would mean I’d be alone with Olli and Jackson. There’d be no distractions and Olli would realize how terrible I was. He’d see how awkward I was with our baby. All the other girls seemed so natural with him. I didn’t know how to do anything without the nurse helping, and soon I’d be on my own. If only I could take Melanie home. She would know what to do. She’d know why he was crying and how to help him. I knew nothing.

“It’s okay,” I said. “It’s nice to have our friends here.”

He narrowed his eyes. “We did just spend a week in Mexico with them.”

I shrugged. “Yeah, but Jackson wasn’t there.”

He laughed. “Just barely. Could you imagine what would have happened if you went into labor a day earlier?”

I’d definitely thought about it. I couldn’t be more grateful I hadn’t. Things might not have gone according to plan, but at least I was at my hospital with my doctor. Going through that labor and delivery in another country sounded terrifying.

“I can’t put into words how happy I am that didn’t happen.”

He leaned down and kissed my forehead. “Me too, babe.”

“Hey Olli, watch this.” Erik was holding Jackson now, stroking his cheek.

“He’s smiling!” Olli sounded happier than I’d ever seen him. He was so in love with Jackson. He’d bonded with him in just a few hours. It all seemed so easy for him.

Why wasn’t it happening for me?

Pregnancy had been a breeze. A little morning sickness and that was it. I loved it. It was an amazing experience, so why didn’t I love motherhood as much? This is what it was all about. All the work, pain, and stretchmarks were for him. But he was a stranger.

If it wasn’t for the barcode on his tiny ankle I’d wonder if he was even mine. If maybe he got switched in the nursery, but Olli saw the hospital staff put the bracelet on. Olli had recognized his little smushed face. He was ours.

My hands ran over my still swollen belly. He was out. My little bean was here finally, and I felt nothing. Not even relief. I wished I had someone to ask why I felt this way. My mom always talked about how much she loved each of us the moment she saw us. How she had this magic connection with her babies. That’s what I’d been expecting.

I didn’t have any other friends with babies. I could ask Marie, but what if she was more like my mother? What if it was just me? How humiliating would that be? She’d think I was crazy, or that something was wrong with me. Maybe there was.

Things would get better. I just had to be patient.

* * *

Coming home after four days in the hospital was the most glorious feeling. Having the nurses’ help was great, but I wouldn’t miss them coming in at all hours of the night and day. Or when, right after Olli or I got Jackson to sleep, a nurse would poke and prod him until he cried.

That was all behind me now.

Chloe and Madeline made sure all the preemie clothes were washed and ready for Jackson when we got home. They also had lunch waiting for us. They were heaven sent.

“Welcome home momma!” Madi clapped when I slid into one of the chairs at the bar.

“Thank you, guys, so much.” I slid the rice bowl toward me. “Mm real food.” I took a bite and moaned.

“The food wasn’t too bad.” Olli deflected as he took his bowl. One bite later he shook his head. “No, I’d just forgotten what food was after all that hospital junk.”

The girls laughed and moved to the car seat where Jackson was sleeping.

“He’s so sweet.” Chloe cooed.

I pasted on the smile I’d been forcing for the past several days. “He really is.”

Things hadn’t gotten better for me.