Page 21 of Open Net

I thought it was obvious. How horrible I was with him. How he felt like someone else’s baby. I loved him, but it felt like how I would love Chloe or Madi’s baby. He was precious and beautiful, but still didn’t feel like mine.

No one had said a word to me that a new mom could possibly feel this way. At least not to me. Maybe this was normal. Maybe it took some moms a few days to adjust.

“Once we found out he was a boy,” Chloe said, “we went out and got a few things for the nursery. I hope you don’t mind.” She glanced at me with uncertainty.

I shook my head. “Not at all. That’s really sweet of you guys. It’s one less thing for me to worry about.”

That was at least true. I’d decorated the room in white and gray so it would work for a boy or girl but adding a few dinosaurs or hockey sticks wasn’t even on my radar. I couldn’t care less.

I let out a sigh.

I’d been obsessed with decorating and preparing just last week. What had happened to me?

I was stranger to myself.

“Have you guys decided if you’re going to get a nanny or anything?” Madi glanced between me and Olli.

There was an idea. I could have someone else around. Someone with experience. Someone to do the things that were already feeling insurmountable.

“We’ll have to see,” Olli said. “Maybe give it a few days before we call in reinforcements.” He winked at me.

I doubted it would take a few days for him to realize I needed help. So far, I could handle changing Jackson’s diapers and feeding him. That still wasn’t feeling natural, but Jackson caught on quickly. He made it easy for me. Other than that...I didn’t know what to do. Olli was constantly holding him, staring at him, loving on him.

I only held him when I needed to.

That felt wrong in my mind, but I couldn’t change it. I knew I should want to snuggle with him and memorize every detail of his little face, but my baby didn’t draw me in. So far, each girl in the Pride and even the guys had held Jackson more than I had. Chloe and Colby were baby hogs and I didn’t mind at all. Olli kept checking to see if I wanted him back, but I never did.

If that wasn’t normal, Olli would have caught on. Right?

The longer everyone else acted normal, the crazier I felt. My world was off its axis, but no one seemed to notice.

Did that mean I was the only one that was off or was it everyone else?

I took another bite of food even though my stomach felt like stone.

No. It was me.

I stood and put the leftovers in the fridge. “I’m going to lie down. Do you guys mind?” I massaged my forehead. “I fed him right before we left the hospital so he should be okay for a little bit.”

Chloe was the first to respond. “Don’t worry. We’ve got everything handled.”

I smiled as the girls nodded eagerly. “Thanks.”

Olli helped me up the stairs. Each step up took more effort than it should have and I cringed.

“You okay?”

I forced a smile. “Still sore.”

He slowed down. “I’m so sorry, babe. I wish there was more I could do. It’s not fair you have to recover from surgery and take care of a newborn.”

“You’re helping a lot.” More than he knew. I finally made it to my bed and sighed. Someone had even changed the sheets and closed the blinds.

“I love you.” He kissed me once before removing my shoes and covering me with the blanket. It only took seconds before I felt the world float away.

“Emma.” A whisper pulled at my brain, but it was so nice out here lying in the sun on the warm sand. I ignored the call.

“Emma.” Ugh. The voice sounded closer. “Emma, sweetie.” My body shook and I opened my eyes. Olli was sitting next to me looking guilty. “I’m sorry to wake you, but the little man is hungry.”