Page 32 of Open Net

“You do realize that you’re both going through some major changes right now. It’s not just you that had a baby and got injured. It’s not just you having a hard time.”

Her words were truer than I wanted to accept. It was easy for me to slip into the victim mindset. The world was against me. Bad things were happening. I was tired. I was hurting. I needed space. I needed me-time.

When was the last time I’d thought about Emma’s needs? Not since the accident.

That realization felt like a burning shock to my heart. I’d completely neglected her. Brushed her off since she seemed to be holding it together. Sometimes it seemed like she was barely hanging on, but Emma was strong. There was nothing she couldn’t handle. I knew I didn't have to worry about her, so lately I hadn’t.

I sighed and let my shoulders sag. “You’re right.”

She nodded. “I know. I’m not trying to make you feel bad, but sometimes we all need a reminder that we’re not alone.”

“Thanks Colby.”

I kissed Jackson’s cheeks and he started fussing. Colby stepped forward with outstretched hands. “Looks like it’s dinner time. Let’s go find mommy.”

I watched them walk out before lifting the weights at my feet. I settled them on my knees and stared at myself in the mirror. I was disappointed in myself. Colby was right, I wasn’t alone. I had a son and wife to think about. No more sulking and focusing on my problems as if I was the only one in the world going through a hard time.

I blew out a breath and started with bicep curls. I’d do better from now on.

9

Emma

“Mom, I swear I’m fine,” I said into my cell phone. “You need to take care of Lizzy.”

I could practically see my mom sighing and rolling her eyes. “Your dad can take care of her. I’m dying to get to you.”

I peered down at Jackson, finally asleep in his crib. “I doubt it’s me your dying to see.”

She laughed. “Okay, I might want to see Olli too.”

I snorted.

“Okay, fine. I need to see my grandson!”

“He’ll be here when you come. There’s no point in rushing when you’re still needed at home.”

She huffed. “I swear your sister did this on purpose.”

“I’m pretty sure Lizzy didn’t fall off the top of a formation on purpose mom. You said her back base dropped her.”

“She did. I know it was an accident, but Lizzy knows better. She knows how to recover from a fall without getting hurt.”

“Cheerleading is dangerous.”

“Yeah, I just think she’s jealous we told her she can’t come see you until Thanksgiving break so she’s making it so I can’t leave.”

My little sister was a drama queen, but I seriously doubted she willfully sabotaged my mother’s trip. “Really? Then why did she call me crying because she couldn’t figure out how to make a cast look cute with her homecoming dress?”

Mom sighed. “Okay. Maybe it wasn’t her fault, but I’m pretty sure the universe is against me.”

Huh. How many times had I thought that lately? How many times had Olli grumbled that under his breath?

“It feels that way sometimes.” I stared down at my sleeping baby and wondered if it was the universe’s fault or my own that I felt nothing but detachment when I turned to him. “Mom…”

My confidence waned quickly. I wanted to ask her if how I felt was normal. If she experienced the numbness, but I stopped myself. What if it wasn’t? What if there was something wrong with me? What if I needed help and my treatment required me leaving? Jackson needed me. I knew that in my bones. He was my son and he needed me to survive. I could provide that at the very least.

While I didn’t have that connection with him other moms raved about, I did feel an enormous sense of responsibility. He was mine to take care of.