Page 33 of Open Net

“What is it, Emma?”

“Um…nothing. It can wait until you’re here.”

“Okay sweetie. Let me know how the appointment goes. I’ll see you next week.”

“I will. Love you.”

“I love you too.”

A week felt like forever. But Jackson was already five weeks. I’d survived this long. That gave me the strength to keep pushing forward.

Olli was gone, physical therapy probably, and none of the girls had come over this morning, so I was on my own for Jackson’s appointment. I could handle this. It was my first time going out on my own with him, but it was just to the doctor’s office and back. No big deal.

Right.

I watched Jackson sleep and checked the time on my phone. We had a half hour left before we needed to leave. That was enough time for a quick shower, and I might even get to brush my hair today.

I walked out of his nursery but turned back. Would he be okay? What if he choked? What if he rolled and was stuck on his stomach? What if he stopped breathing? I was frozen in the doorway. I’d grown too accustomed to having someone else here with me. Someone to watch him while I attempted to take care of myself.

It was tempting to call my mom and ask for her advice, but I didn’t want her to think I was clueless and get on the next plane here. I was an adult. I could figure this out.

I pulled up the internet on my phone and did a quick search. There were too many opinions out there for me to decide what the right thing to do was. I needed to shower. It had been at least two days, but Jackson needed to sleep. I closed my eyes and wished I had a clue what I was doing.

“Baby monitor.” The thought occurred to me like a flash of lightning. I checked on him one more time before rushing into my room. I grabbed the monitor with a live feed of him sleeping off my nightstand. I set it on the counter just outside the shower and nodded. This would work. I’d check on him every thirty seconds.

With a plan in place, I started the water and undressed. My shower lasted less than five minutes, but I checked the monitor at least twenty times. He was still sound asleep just as I’d left him, and I was fresh and clean. This was my first real mom win. A tiny success, but it felt monumental.

I dressed and started combing through my hair when I heard a tiny cry. I checked the monitor to see Jackson starting to squirm. I sighed and pulled my hair up in another messy bun. So much for looking human today.

I went to his nursery and picked him up. I had barely enough time to feed him before we needed to leave so I settled into the glider and hoped we wouldn’t be late.

We arrived with exactly one minute to spare.

“Good afternoon, Mrs. Letang.” The receptionist greeted me. Her hair and makeup were impeccable, much like the office, she was perfectly put together. It didn’t help me feel any better about my own appearance.

“Hi.” I forced a smile and signed in before sitting down in the nearly empty waiting room.

Getting here wasn’t as bad as I was expecting until Jackson started howling a few blocks shy of the office. I kept driving as there wasn’t anything else I could think to do. But now his face was red and little crocodile tears were gathered in his eyelashes. He calmed down the moment I parked, which was a blessing, but I still felt awful he’d been so upset, and I didn't know what to do for him.

I dried off his tears and rocked the car seat hoping he wouldn’t fall asleep before the doctor saw him. I hated waking him up almost as much as he didn’t like being woken up. That was one thing he definitely got from me. We both woke up like monsters.

“Mrs. Letang?”

I peered up and nodded at the waiting nurse. I picked up Jackson and followed her back to a small exam room. Its baby blue walls were accented with hot air balloon wallpaper along the ceiling.

“How’s baby Jackson doing?” She asked as she lifted him from the car seat and began looking him over and taking his vitals.

“Good.”

She nodded. “Anything unusual?”

I didn’t know how to answer that. He was my only baby, so I had nothing to compare him to. “I don’t think so.”

She smiled. “You’d know.”

She said it with confidence, but she couldn’t be more wrong. I was clueless. More often than not, the girls could figure out what his cry was for before I could. I’d be warming a bottle while they immediately went to change his diaper. How were they all better mothers than me?

She finished the routine check-up and handed Jackson back to me. “Dr. Cobalt will be in shortly.”