Page 44 of Trick Play

I didn’t want to get into this, not when I was still processing what Kennedy told me. Then there was what Coach had said. The familiar feeling of failure washed over me. There was so much. Not only yesterday. It was one thing after another building up until I couldn’t take it anymore, and last night, it all came crashing down.

“Sometimes I think about quitting.” It wasn’t an answer to her question, but it was what I needed to get off my chest.

“Hockey?” Reid said at the same time Haley guessed, “School?”

I leaned forward, resting my head in my hands. “Everything. Sometimes I want to give up or give in. It feels easier to let it all go.”

Haley’s eyes watered. “Ethan?”

“I’m not suicidal. I just wish I could turn it all off.”

“Can you explain that?” Reid asked with more patience than I’d ever heard from him.

“School’s nearly impossible for me. You guys know that. I had an assignment I spent ten hours working on with my tutor. I put so much effort into it and was really confident, but Coach told me I got a C, and it didn’t impact my grade, good or bad. It was like all the work I’d done didn’t matter. Nothing I do is enough. I’m hanging on by my fingertips and giving it all I have, and I’m barely getting by. It’s exhausting and demoralizing, and it makes me hate myself.”

Haley covered her mouth with her palm. Reid watched me for a moment.

“I don’t have anything to say to make that better,” he admitted. “I can try to sympathize, but I will never understand or fully appreciate how hard it is for you. I’ve seen how hard you work, and it’s messed up that in the end, that’s not what matters. It’s the right answer. It’s the responses the professors expect. I wish it wasn’t that way. I wish they took into consideration how much effort and dedication a student puts in.”

I nodded. It was nice hearing someone else say that. Not that either of us could change anything, it was nice to know I wasn’t alone.

“I know you work with your tutor, and they might be under some contract or obligation to not interfere too much, but maybe from now on, one of us can review your assignments before you turn them in. Or someone from your class that has a better grasp of what you’re covering.” Haley turned to Reid. “Could you help with that too?”

“Yeah, of course.” He sounded much more confident. “Robby’s a history major, so he can probably have a look.”

Robby was a junior on the team, so he wasn’t in the same classes, but he was a decent option.

“Was that all Coach talked to you about?” he asked.

“No, he let me know Tyler hadn’t reached back out and to take that as a no.”

I didn’t need to explain further. They both understood what that meant and how hard it was to hear.

“It’s just one team.” Haley paused. “But I’m sure he told you that.”

“Yeah, but it’s still hard to know that for whatever reason, he didn’t see potential in me. Who knows if there will be others?”

“There better be.” Reid laughed. “There’s got to be hope for the rest of us.”

I hadn’t meant for it to sound like none of them would get scouts looking at them, but we played different positions. It was rare that one scout would be there to see more than one of us.

“You know what I mean.”

“I know, and it sucks. It can feel like the end of the world when you think there might not be a future for your career. It’s debilitating. Suffocating to even consider everything we’ve done might not be enough. That this”—he pointed at the ground— “is the end.”

I shuddered at the thought. College couldn’t be it. I refused to accept that. The need, the hunger, was too much to be satisfied by playing at this level. I needed so much more.

“It’s hard. School’s hard. But you can’t disappear and fall into oblivion, Ethan. We were scared.” The hurt in my sister’s voice pulled me from my thoughts.

“I know, but it wasn’t only that. Earlier, Kennedy told me a bit of what she went through after the breakup. I guess a part of me knew it would be difficult for her, but I never realized how bad it got. I put her through so much and never thought about it. Then to hear from Coach that my grades suck and the scout wasn’t interested. It made me wonder if any of this was worth it. Was losing her worth it? I ended things to give each of us a chance to move on and be happy. I needed to focus one hundred percent on my career, and that wasn’t fair for her. But four years later, and this might be the end. Was it worth it?”

I was starting to think none of it was.

Chapter 15

Kennedy

Ethan sat at the top of the stairs waiting for me when I got home after classes. He looked a bit better than the day before, but the heaviness and sadness were still there.