Page 74 of Trick Play

“What do you mean?”

“You need space, and I think it would be best if we give each other that, but we still have the project. And you said you want me to come to a game. That’s kind of blurring the lines.”

How was I supposed to explain that I wanted her around? I wanted to see her, but that speaking to her would be too much. I was in a vulnerable position, and I didn’t want too much of anyone’s influence right now. Things with the team would be hard enough to navigate, but with her, we could make things simple.

“Well, first off I was wondering if you would let me submit the assignment. There are a few things I want to tweak, then I’ll turn it in.”

“Really? But what about the film. Do you know how to develop it?”

I almost laughed. “Yeah, I know how to use the lab.”

There were usually three aids in there to help anyone and make sure they didn’t mess up the process.

She hesitated before agreeing. “Okay, as long as you text me when it’s done so I can cross it off my list.”

“Fair enough.”

“But that’s it? No more communication?” Her eyes held a spark of hope.

No! I wanted to scream but held back.

“No more communication.”

She bit her bottom lip and dropped her eyes. “But I can go to a game, as long as I don’t talk to you?”

“Right.”

“Am I allowed to talk to Haley, or do you want me to—”

“I’m not going to dictate any of that. You can talk to whoever and do whatever you want. If we cross paths, we can wave or say hi but other than that we both need space.”

“Got it.” She pushed the nearly full cup away and met my gaze.

“I’ll come to you when I’m ready. You can tell me to go away or if you need more time. That will be up to you.”

It might not be fair, but it was the only way I knew to give her control in the end. I was too selfish to not be able to see her one more time.

“Okay.”

Her eyes scanned my face like she was trying to memorize this moment. Then she stood and gave me a sad smile before turning and leaving me behind.

I fell back in the chair.

That was harder than I’d expected, even though she made it as easy as possible. I didn’t deserve that.

The weather changed. Thick coats, gloves, and beanies were absolutely necessary to take a step outside. That seemed to put people into the hockey spirit as much as the holidays. Every game was more crowded than the last. I never looked for her. I told myself she was watching, but if I ever saw her face, I knew it would be a distraction.

That was a new level of discipline I was learning. Something that might not seem of any consequence to others, but was huge to me. It was different from the first time we broke up. I didn’t want to see her. I didn’t want to think about her, so I didn’t. Now I had to fight to keep her off my mind.

Dr. Jared didn’t allow me to waste time adjusting to him or his plans. After letting me unload everything living in my mind, he figuratively put a lid on it and told me we’d get back to that stuff later.

‘Stuff’ as if my deepest regrets and pains were nothing. Something I actually could shove away.

It worked.

The stern, no-nonsense man I assumed I would clash with before I ever met him was turning out to be more than I ever could have known I needed.

I told those closest to me about the balance between my personal time and space and being open and communicating I required for now, and no one minded. The guys assured me they would always be there for me.