Page 73 of Trick Play

“Ethan.” Her voice cracked.

“My feelings for you never went away. They never changed. I tried so hard to forget about you, but I never could.”

She covered her mouth, and I could see tears building in her eyes. No. That was the last thing I wanted. I didn’t want to make her cry ever again. I was trying to do the right thing. I was trying to make it so she never shed another tear over me.

“I want you, Kenny. But worse, I need you, and that’s not fair. I’m not in a position to offer you what you need.”

“Ethan.” Her voice was more determined, and I stopped. “This is exactly what you did last time.”

“Please, let me finish. I promise I won’t leave this spot until you’ve said all you want to. I promise I’ll listen, but let me get this out first.”

She wavered for a moment before nodding.

“This isn’t about hockey or time or school. This is about me not being at my best, mentally or emotionally. You deserve that, not a project to fix. I want to work on myself. As much as I pushed back against the idea of talking to someone, I know it’s what has to happen. I can’t work through this on my own, and it’s not up to you or Haley or the guys to help me. I have to learn and use the tools to help myself.”

Her brows rose.

“It might be one of the most selfish things I’ve ever done, but I want to take the time and energy to work on myself.”

“Okay,” she relented.

“Okay?” I expected more of a challenge, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe she didn’t see me as anything more than a classmate.

“I really want to tell you that you’re wrong. That I’ll take you as you are, but that wouldn’t be fair to either of us. I understand. You need to put yourself and your needs first, and I know how hard that can be.”

She got it. She wasn’t mad or screaming or crying. We were discussing this like adults. The way I should have handled things yesterday.

That was in the past. I was looking to the future. I told Dr. Jared I felt like I needed to apologize and make up for all my mistakes, and he told me while it was honorable, it wasn’t entirely possible. I should make amends with those that were in my life as needed, but my attention should be on moving forward. Showing them with my actions that I was changing and truly striving to do better.

He asked me who I wanted to be, and I wasn’t sure, beyond being a professional athlete. I didn’t understand his questions. He didn’t care about my career path. He wanted to know about the person I wanted to be.

I wanted to be honest. Dependable. Honorable. Kind. Selfless.

Those were my goals. Not getting picked in the first round of the draft. Not getting better grades. Not even fixing my parents.

Those were out of my control.

But working on becoming the man I wanted to be was entirely up to me. And even better, it wasn’t some distant future ideal. It was something I could start now, and I was determined not to waste a second.

“So I didn’t read this”—I pointed between us— “wrong? You do have feelings for me?”

“Don’t tell Lo, but yes. I tried so hard not to, but you’re pretty hard to resist.” The blush on her cheeks was almost more than I could handle. I wanted to lean over the table and kiss her. I wanted to show her how much I felt, but now wasn’t the time.

“I’m really glad you don’t hate me anymore.”

She smiled. “I wanted to. I think I even managed there for a little while, but then I realized it wasn’t you I hated but your decision. The circumstances we were in. Even hockey.”

I gasped with my hand over my heart. “Don’t say that.”

“I haven’t been to a single game since we broke up.”

I closed my eyes while rubbing my chest. “I’m so sorry.”

“Maybe I can come to one soon.”

I caught the question in her eyes and nodded. “I’d like that.”

She glanced around. “So how does this work?”