No dry answer.
Nothing.
I wait.
Julian looks down at the ledger between us.
“I wanted the work,” he says finally.
“I knew that much.”
“The engineering.”
“Yes.”
“But not necessarily everything that came with it.”
“No.”
His answer is quiet.
I keep my voice just as low.
“Then did you choose the rest, or did you just become responsible for it?”
Julian’s jaw tightens slightly.
“I don’t know.”
The honesty of it catches me. I am accustomed to interviewing people who fill uncertainty with language. Julian does the opposite. When he does not know, he seems to distrust every word available to him.
“You’ve really never asked yourself that?” I say.
“I suppose I decided it was irrelevant.”
“Why?”
“Because the responsibility existed whether I wanted it or not.”
He looks at me then.
“And wanting something else wouldn’t have changed that.”
I feel something in my chest shift. There is no self-pity in him. If anything, that makes the admission heavier. I close the cabinet slowly.
“What would you have chosen?”
His mouth pulls faintly at one corner.
“You’ve asked me versions of that before.”
“I know. I’m asking something different now.”
Julian watches me. I do not reach for my notebook. He notices that too.
“What are you asking?” he says.
I take a breath.