Page 74 of Secret Sins

Yet, he'd stayed. He promised he would, and he did. We were no closer to knowing who was after him, and he'd stayed.

"I love you." His words disappeared into my skin as he tasted my collarbone, exposed by my boat-neck top. I clung—to him, to hope—and let him go farther, dipping down to suck on the flesh above my bra.

But the damn stupid tears had stubbornly made their appearance, and he noticed them. Straightening, he looked at me with a wounded expression. "Baby."

I bit my lip and sighed. "It's not that I don't want to trust you, but you've said the words out loud. You're waiting for the shit to hit the fan, and then you're out of here."

Backing up, Van gripped his hair in one hand, letting the other follow to swoop through the mass in need of a trim. "I hate that my actions have proven too many times that you're right. You have no reason to believe me, and I can't change that."

"Van—"

"And I know what I said the other day. I know I'm contradictory. But I can't leave now, because I love you too much to lose you. Now I understand that's your limit, and I couldn't possibly cross it. The risk is too high."

"We have to stick together when things get rough and not assume we know better than the other how to deal."

"Bailey, I'm agreeing with you."

"I know, but it's not processing." Shrugging, I felt like an idiot. Would he tell me what I wanted to hear and then do the opposite as soon as he got the chance? Why did I have all these doubts now, when things were nearly perfect between us? "I was more certain of us before we got together. When I had to fight and be the strong one, convincing you we could be amazing. Now that I know what I stand to lose, I'm pretty much terrified it'll slip away."

Gathering me in his arms, Van stroked my back for several seconds. All I did was stand there and breathe deeply, inhaling his familiar scent and letting it seep in to comfort me.

"Listen, don't take this the wrong way, but . . ."

"But what?"

Pulling away enough to look into my eyes, he said, "You're clinging to the idea that you'll lose anything good in your life. Why is that?"

"Because I lost my parents as a baby, and we lost the house I love so much."

He frowned. "What house?"

"I never got around to telling you about it, but there's a house on the highest bluff overlooking the bay. When my parents were alive, we lived there. It was passed down through several generations, but Riley had no choice in selling it."

Swiping a stray hair off my face, he asked, "She couldn't afford to keep it?"

"No." I shook my head. "She might have been able to make it work for a little while with my parents' life insurance, but she felt it was better to hold on to that money until I was older so I could go to college. And, of course, it bought me my shop. Selling was the smart move, and I know that deep down."

It wasn't that I didn't know I suffered from separation anxiety, or that it could affect my everyday life. I just hadn't considered that it was currently an issue until he said it out loud. I'd never loved anyone as much as I loved Van; as thoroughly, as deeply, as exquisitely. If I lost him, I feared I could no longer function.

"Bailey."

Suddenly seeing it so clearly, I shook my head. "Yeah, I get it. I'm afraid if we get too close, I'll lose you."

"And while you have reason to believe the opposite, I want you to understand me when I say I can't leave you now. Maybe I have Beth in my life again, but it's not the same. There's no way I can go back to being alone in the world."

"You wouldn't be alone anymore. You can go back to Maryland now." Sniffing, I moved out of his embrace. "You don't need me."

"I need you more than I need my next breath." Taking my shoulders, he turned me back into his embrace. "And I've told you often enough for you to know it here."

He pressed his palm to my heart, and I nodded up at him. "I know."

"Please hear me when I say I can't live without you. I can't go back into hiding. I won't."

What I needed was to trust him; trust my heart. I'd had therapy as a teen when the fear of those I loved leaving me had ruined any chance of having a proper relationship with a guy. As soon as I got too close to someone, I pushed them away. That, or I picked losers who I knew wouldn’t stick.

"Maybe I need to think about going back to therapy." Since he was already there, I buried myself in his chest. "You don't need to deal with my issues when you have enough of your own."

"For the record, I want to. That's the point of being us." Kissing the top of my head, he said, "I've struggled with fight or flight for a fucking decade, Bailey. I want to fight now, the way I used to."