Page 97 of Dream Reaper

He shifted and looked at her then, his eyes pooled in haunted shadows. While looking at him, in all his brokenness, something inside her broke too. Because she wanted to fix him, but she couldn’t. They would never stand a chance unless he fixed himself.

Unless she fixed herself.

“I’m just as broken as you are,” she whispered, gripping his knees. “I’ve never been satisfied with who I was or what I could do. I was always trying to be more, to measure up, comparing myself to everyone else. I’ve made mistakes, so many mistakes. But do you know what Dragon taught me?”

His eyes searched hers, and the need in those eyes threatened to choke her.

“He taught me,” she managed around the sob caught in the back of her throat, “that none of that matters. That I can do more than I know when I stop trying so hard. When I just let myself live in the moment.”

You’re beautiful. And wonderful.

Jerrid swallowed hard, his throat bobbing with the motion. He lifted one hand and cupped it around her cheek, his thumb brushing gently.

“You are, you know,” he murmured, moisture gathering in his eyes. “Beautiful and wonderful.”

Her breath hitched, years of longing threatening to drown her. For so long, she had wanted someone to see her, to look at her the way Jerrid was right now. To love her in spite of her weakness…or maybe because of it.

His hand trailed down to rest in the curve of her shoulder. “But I don’t know how to live in the moment, Ava.”

The vulnerability in his expression hardened into resignation, and the glimmer of hope stirring in her breast shriveled and died before it had even been given a chance to come to life.

“I only know how to survive,” he continued, his fingers curling around her shoulder blade. “That’s all any of us can do. Survive.”

“But that’s no way to live,” she argued, a tear trickling from the edge of her cheek. “If you only ever survive, you’ll always be where you are now. Broken. Scraping in the dirt for every morsel. Fighting day and night just to make it through one more day⁠—”

She broke off, unable to continue, but she had just described herself. That’s how she had been living her life since her parents died—her and Peregrin—scraping and begging for a reason to continue when their entire world had gone up in flames.

How did you keep fighting when there was no reason to fight anymore?

“You know I’m right,” he whispered. “I can see it in your face. You know I’m right.”

She shook her head. “No. These things happen, Jerrid. These twists of fate that set us down dark paths. But we have a choice in how we will walk those paths. We have a choice whether we will let them beat us down, grind us into the dirt. Whether we will live in the shadow of what we can’t control or whether we will make more of our lives. Change our fate by just…accepting it.”

He seemed to be holding his breath, his body impossibly still. Even Dragon didn’t make a peep. It was as if time had stopped.

“But that doesn’t change anything, does it?” A wry, broken smile twisted his mouth as he slid his hand over the curve of her shoulder, down her arm, and then away.

A chill crept over her skin, erasing the heat that had broken across her arm at his touch. Now she felt cold and bereft.

“We can accept it, but we’ll still be broken,” he said. “We’re still going to die.”

“No, we’re not,” she ground out as she sank back down on her heels. “I have a plan. I can fix this. We can fix this.”

“And how,” he asked with a sad, almost mocking smile, “do you plan to fix all of this, Meat Pasty?”

For the first time, she saw the nickname as the endearment it was meant to be, and it broke something inside her even more. Because she realized for the first time what they stood to lose—this thing between them they hadn’t even begun yet. If they couldn’t survive this night, then they would never know what tomorrow could bring.

What this might mean.

“We’re going to use Talos,” she blurted.

It was now or never.

Jerrid pulled back even farther. “Use Talos? As bait?”

She shook her head. “No, we’re going to use him as a conduit for the magic and use him to defeat the shadow.”

“Ava, that will never work.” Jerrid barked an incredulous laugh, running his hand over his face. “He’ll never help us.”